[you better hope she does because she has nothing on underneath. actually she will take her arm pieces off because she doesn't want those to get wet, but the rest is really just a bodysuit.]
she is in the tree at the park, which you can probably tell because of her stupid arm danglies that are coming down out of said tree. hopefully it is not too much of a shock when she hangs out of the tree abruptly and holds out a packet of tabasco to rin.]
It doesn't matter about friends and family anyway, you deserve a chance to go back to your life as much as anyone else. It's weird that you don't know that!
[shenhe is out standing in front of her warehouse! she's just... standing. that's all, staring out over the streets with a slight frown on her face. this is not a fascinating starter but she really is just the kind of person to brood like this.
kind of brooding. it's not like she's sad, really, even though she probably should be.]
shenhe has no fuckin' idea what to do with this. help her. she goes a little stiff, unsure, but... there is a little part of her that hurts, because he is pretty young. she can remember being this young, and not knowing how to express upset as anything but anger.
carefully, she wraps her arms around him, and hugs him. she's learned how to do this from buzen, so it's surprisingly nice.]
You should eat. [she doesn't want to go back to the ikea because she hates it there but she's Unwelcome at the mcdonald's so like. you know. she's going to take him to ikea???]
[she will help if needed! she doesn't want to make him feel like he's bad at this, so she'll let him handle it unless it looks like he's getting tired.]
Rang complains about everything. [gazes.] Is he being especially rude to you?
Not more than anyone else. We've been... stuck together this week, so it's been kind of exhausting. But I actually got to have a decent conversation with him too.
I wonder what these effects are about. It's not exactly fostering a competitive atmosphere.
I mean that I was born under ominous signs. I'm... [like she's reciting something:] Doomed to harm both myself and others. Sometimes it's injury. Most times it's death.
[this is the most teenage boy thing i've ever seen
anyway she seems to be in a little bit better of a mood today. she's a bit melancholy but who isn't, in the graveyard. she's wearing this and is lacking her usual red ropes... wow...
she looks at him. she looks at the bodice rippers.]
Hello, Rin. [she is a little amused. it's a little funny, ok] What are you doing?
[ STOOOP sometimes you just love the thrill... of a trashy romance novel.
He leans casually against the bookshelf, not hiding his hands behind him because he's not stupid enough to do that, but purely to put on the air of someone who is relaxed. He is so casual right now. ]
Just checking out the book store, it wasn't here last week. [ To clarify, ] We get new locations every week too.
[ The mods are working hard...
He gives a look over, expression shifting over to concern. ]
I see. [well that makes her less likely to kill. unless gerard gets here. she won't tell him that part.] Well, I suppose that's motive enough to keep going.
he's turned his attention to other books on the shelf, but doesn't bother being anything other than honest when she asks. ]
It feels kind of weird to say, but it hasn't been that bad since Buzen and the others showed up. [ even though it meant they died ] ... But it hasn't stopped me from missing everyone else.
[ he doesn't offer specifics, knowing his team is a touchy topic. but he glances back at her. ]
So... you're not alone. It sucks being here, but at least there's people who know what you're going through.
[she gets it. it's a touchy topic, but - she really doesn't fault him for missing his team. she doesn't fault them for hurting people to get him back. she can't say she wouldn't have done the same for her own.
it's complicated, and it hurts, and she thinks she won't ever be able to sort it out because there are too many parts of her that don't fit. her friends, who hurt her, who hurt her team, who had reasons, reasons enough to sit and listen.
she exhales slowly.]
Yes. I am not alone. [she reaches to rest her hand on his arm.] I'm not angry with you. I think I should make that clear.
[ He doesn't tell her that she should be. That they were pushed into a corner because he was too weak to fight. Because he squandered every chance he had that night to turn his psych against D. Hadn't cared enough to fight for their team like they would for him.
He doesn't know if they were given an ultimatum, or if they stepped up after seeing their rank. That question too, he keeps to himself.
Instead, he accepts her kindness, putting a hand over hers. ]
It could have easily been Gerard. [she just says it bluntly.] When we agreed to fight, I told him that I would not hold back.
[a pause.]
This is the way things are. I can't be angry, not for this. It will burn me up from the inside, and I must do what I can while I still exist to make sure that the people I care for have a chance.
[ He watches her for a moment, the unsettled sensation in his chest cooling off with relief.
With a small smile, ] That's—
[ Which is exactly when a pig falls on his head, sending them both into a memory of a sleepy town in the south of Japan, with much younger versions of Rin and Haru. ]
[PIG HELP okay normally i'd give a memory right back but the idea of giving him one of her memories right after this cute slice of life bit is a lot so
she startles, and when she comes back to her senses she's holding onto the bookshelves.]
... You quit swimming. Why? Haru told me how much you love it. [she doesn't bother stopping herself from asking - that's more important than why am i seeing your memories because this place is so fucking weird that she might! as well! just accept it!]
He steps back slightly, a little pained at the sight of Haru. ]
I was tired of feeling like a failure. [ He's also keenly aware of how stupid his problems sound considering they were just talking about Shenhe's death. ] I had all these hopes and dreams, and they all felt so impossible for me.
It hurt. To work so hard and dedicate my life to something and see it amount to nothing... So I quit.
[she doesn't have any sort of sense for like... which problems are worse, honestly, she thinks that rin quitting swimming is about as bad as her dying. which - kind of? both of those things, in her mind, means that they are away from the things they love.
she wonders if it's changed, since then. they looked young.]
Haru said that you wanted to swim professionally. Like the Olympics, but not stupid. [they talked... a lot, about rin.] Did you start up again? Or have you still quit?
[there's something like... approving, maybe, on her face, when he says that and meets her gaze.]
You should continue to swim. [she says, like she's agreeing.] There is nothing to regret. You are still here. You still exist, in some form, so you can - give it your all.
Before I was erased, Wolfwood told me that there is no point in not experiencing everything that you can. I think you should also follow this advice.
[this is cute and gay and shenhe is distantly amused by it. it's familiar? not with haru, obviously, she's not going to steal rin's man, but. having things to look forward to makes life a little more worth living.]
... Everything. [she says, tilting her head back.] Food, music, people. My life before here was restrained. I thought that it had to be, so I avoided temptations, or things that I would miss too much.
he says this, though, and it's such a good lead in so. here you go, bonks you with a memory as shenhe starts to speak:
You are sitting in the garden of your childhood home, in a little village that you've grown up in. You are six years old, and your father has been away for a year, though you're not sure why. It makes you sad, sometimes, when you think about it. Your mother is gone, and the village takes turns making sure that you aren't starving, but for the most part, you're just alone, making up stories and playing with the stray dogs in the village. It's lonely. You're very lonely.
So when your father returns after that year, and he gives you a smile that borders on manic, you don't notice how it looks. You're overjoyed - father is back, and maybe this time, he won't leave. Maybe this time your curse won't drive him away. You can be good this time. You will find a way to make sure that you don't hurt him or anybody else ever again. Maybe he's forgiven you for what happened to your mother.
He doesn't even wash up, when he returns. He comes straight to the garden and smiles widely at you, and says that you should come with him to the cave in the mountains behind the village. He has a surprise for you, to make up for the fact that he hasn't been home. You don't really hope for much, but. A toy would be nice! Maybe a kite, or something that the two of you can play with together.
Your father brings you to the cave. You make sure your long black hair is out of the way, ready for whatever the surprise is.
But he barely even pays attention to you as he strides into the cave. He goes right to the altar in the middle, constructed out of stone, and he flicks through a book, and he mutters. And you take a step forward because you're unsure. Maybe you should help? You take another step forward, and then - out of the book swirls something dark and hideous, a black and rotting creature that has no shape at first as it crawls out. It drips out of the book, and your father turns and starts to walk away.
You're confused - you're a little scared, so you say, "Father?" and he ignores you, and so you look back at the shadows that soak down out of the pages, and you see it is growing teeth. It is watching you with bright blood-red eyes, and when it meets your gaze, it licks its lips.
You stumble back, and you start to cry - you are six years old, and this is the scariest thing you've ever seen - and you turn and race after your father. This isn't what he meant, right? This can't be the surprise - but he pushes you to the ground and sneers at you.
"You are a cursed child," he spits, and you stare up at him from where you're crumpled on the ground. You reach for him. No, it - no, this time, it'll be better. This time you won't bring ruin to everybody around you, you promise, you will find a way to be good, but he just shakes his head and keeps walking. "Your life brings nothing but disaster to us all."
You stand, shakily, and run, but something grabs your leg, and you scream as the monster drags you back. Your father leaves.
"At least if you die, I can bring her back." And the light from outside vanishes as the monster pulls you towards it's mouth.
But as a child - a child who hasn't grown up just yet, a child who hasn't forsaken emotion and the joys of living because you know that you aren't allowed those anymore - you don't want to die. You want to play outside, and you want to make friends with the other children in the village, and you want your mother back, and you want your father to love you, and you don't want to die you don't want to die you want to live --
The sleeping calamitous fates, violent urges, and unyielding spirit within you burst their bonds all at once. They are your unseen shield, your invisible blade, and they are all that your frail form has to protect yourself. You have a dagger that belonged to your mother. Instinct has you cut open part of the monster and it wails, and you run to hide. Your next attack is with fangs and claws; you swear to tear that wretched creature before you to shreds — to prove that you, and not it, are the cruelest evil that stalked the darkness.
For days, your life-and-death battle is one without end. Hunter and hunted switch places many times, the conflict locked in stalemate. Sometimes it rips at your skin and sometimes it just chases you when it finds you. Sometimes you beat it back just enough to find some time to rest. But you are exhausted. You can't sleep. You're hungry, and you're thirsty, and everything hurts, but you don't want to die. You refuse. You won't. But there's only so much that your tiny body can handle, and eventually, you collapse. You're afraid. You know it is coming, the monster, with its snakelike body and hungry maw. But you can't find the strength to continue.
And that's when the tide changes.
A vivid icy light pierces through the dark like skyglow, showing the path to the future. A crystalline object falls down from nowhere, into your hands. You look down at it shakily, trying to breathe. You know, instinctively, that this will allow you to wield ice. That you can use this to decide which monster will live, and which will die.
You pull yourself to your feet one more time. You wipe the tears away.
It's the last time you ever cried. It's the last time you felt anything at all.]
[ It feels inhuman, everything that happens around him. A father that resented you, hated you, left you for dead. He couldn't understand why someone would blame a child for anything, why no one would help her.
How someone six years-old could endure all that and survive.
He's both disoriented and nauseous when the book store comes back around them, heart thudding. ]
... Why would he- [ He looks right at her, brows drawn together. ] How could he do something like that?
[she feels - empty, like she usually does when she remembers this. it hurts to remember, sometimes, but mostly she doesn't feel anything at all.]
There was nothing, no one, that he loved more than his wife. [she says, looking away.] She died of sickness, but because of what was foretold about me, he always thought it was my fault.
It's not your fault for being born, or for living. [ He's still angry that anyone would say that. So angry that her father would take a child so beautiful and full of love and throw her away like she was nothing.
He had no right. He had no idea what he was missing. ]
People are always looking for someone or something to blame—I blamed Haru for my struggles with swimming, I'd know. It's... not your fault.
[she says, first, looking up at him. it's genuine. it's nice, to hear that it isn't her fault. she doesn't think it is either, but sometimes - sometimes, she wonders. she wonders what she must have done to deserve being given up as sacrifice. what she must've done to finally feel like it was worth it to live, and then have that taken from her.]
Fate is a tricky thing, I think. [she says, tracing her fingers along the books.] There are always multiple paths a story can take. My story started with a curse, but...
It led me here. It let me experience all of this. I met you, and Haru, and Nahri, Vash, Wolfwood. I think that I can be okay with that.
[ That's a sweet sentiment, and one he feels too. He'd only been with everyone for a short time, but he was more than grateful for the bonds he'd been able to build. ]
I'm glad. [ He gives her a smile, pulling a random book off the shelf just to have something to do, placated by her words but still... frustrated. Angry.
He'd always been the type to pick at things rather than let them heal. ]
I don't think there would be an answer that makes sense. Grief is... dangerous. [ He shuffles a little awkwardly. ] Things happen that make no sense, and you try to find a reason for all the pain that you're feeling.
... Yes. [she glances at him.] I have felt that a few times, here. Every time the dead were announced on the living side, I have felt so much that I almost could not contain it.
[a pause, and then she reaches over to put her hand on his arm.]
You do know how much your death affected people, right? This isn't to make you feel guilty, but I think you should know how much of an impact you had.
[ He blinks at her, not expecting the touch or the words that follow. It leaves him silent a moment, something warm in his chest—gratitude toward all the people he'd met, Shenhe included, and their kindness.
He's not sure how to accept it, but he believes her, and values that she made the effort to share this sentiment with him. ]
... Thanks.
[ He meets her gaze with a small smile. ]
I'm really glad we met, Shenhe. I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.
[actually he can have this as a memory in return - it's short and simple.
When you were first brought to Mt. Hulao, you wouldn't speak.
You didn't feel like it was necessary. There was nothing to say. Nothing that could express how bad you felt. The only thing that felt worth it was the sea of clouds among the mountains. You liked to climb to the peak and watch them lazily float by. Your mind empties this way - you don't have to think of the monster that still haunts you. You don't have to think about the way it stalked you across the floor, the way it laughed when you screamed, the way --
You watch the clouds. You sleep when you're tired. You drink the dew of the mountains when thirsty, and chew on a few stalks of Qingxin when hungry. This is your existence for weeks.
The adepti that rescued you from the cave floor watches you, sometimes, and you ignore her. She's a beautiful, graceful crane, and her voice annoys you sometimes. But she doesn't bother you for the most part. Until one day, she approaches you with a comb.
It's very pretty. White jade, made from a sacred stone. Cloud Retainer, the crane adepti, tells you that should you brush your hair thrice with this comb, it would be counted as a rite of apprenticeship. You would sever your ties with the mortal world, and enter adeptal tutelage.
Without hesitation, you do exactly as the adeptus says. You don't want this, you don't want to be mortal, you don't want to be human. You still will be, but anything you can do to distance yourself from this, you want. And as you start to brush your hair, something strange happens. The jade comb strokes once, from root to tip - and a frosty silver color shivers down from the top to bottom, replacing the black.
On the second brush, but half your hair remains dark. And when you finish, only a flowing curtain of snow is left.
[ ... Oh. It still strikes Rin as tragic, to see Shenhe in that memory—haunted, a survivor, and the stark contrast to the girl she was before her father left her in that cave.
He's not the type to be forward with touch, but his fingers brush the crook of her arm, tilting his head closer to look at her hair more closely. ]
That explains it. [ And then looking back at her. ] That was a beautiful crane.
[aw, rin. she rests her hand on top of his briefly, to let him know she's okay with it. when he looks - it is silver! there's a bit of black at the very end, though.]
That was Cloud Retainer. My master. [kind of mom.]
... It's okay to be afraid. [ he laces his hands together ] Because I think... the chances of something bad happening are pretty high. We're in totally unchartered territory.
[ he gives her an honest look. ]
But I know that whenever you're around, you've made things better for me. Not worse.
Later, after respawning, Rin is going to look for Shenhe... He was pretty terrified to wake up and not know what was going on, so he's a little frantic. It doesn't even occur to him to use his phone. Dumbass. ]
[it's fine i think shenhe threw her phone in the garbage so
she's curled up on a bench in the park disassociating (real). she's holding her toy axe like it's the most important thing in the world and just staring into the middle distance. man.]
[she startles really, really hard when he leans against her, nearly off the bench. but when she realizes who it is, like... vaguely, vaguely, she knows this is rin and this is her captain and he is an axe just like her --
no, wait. no. she's not. he's not.
but he is rin, and her arm shakes and then wraps around him. she turns to hold onto him.]
[ She puts an arm around her and he's so grateful. She always looks after him, takes care of him, is gentle with him despite the wounds carved deep into her.
She's here, and he's so grateful.
He turns to press his head against hers, feeling the ache that exists between them both. ]
[her breath whistles a little when she breathes in, but at least she's breathing.]
You... I. [she starts, and her voice is hoarse. she hasn't used it in a while - she bluescreened somewhere in the middle of the beach battle and just never really recovered from it.] You died.
Yeah. [ He feels strangely numb about it. Like it doesn't even matter. Like his life doesn't matter anymore, not after what he did and what he failed to do.
But he understands that it must've hurt her, so he puts his arms around her too, resting his head atop hers. ]
I'm sorry. I know you tried... I know you wanted to protect us.
[ That's so unbelievably cruel. Who would do such a thing?
He grips the fabric of her shirt. Is any part of her clothing still bloodied, by the way? ]
None of us should have. [ There's a very clear anger in his voice, sadness giving way to frustration. ] You— tried so hard to save us, Shenhe. You even.
[oh, yeah, like. all of it is still bloodied, she never bothered to change out of her clothes. she doesn't seem to mind him holding on, though.]
... You didn't waste it. [she says, after a moment.]
I don't want you to be like me. [she doesn't want him to have killed someone to save the world. that's too much.] It was too late. I had already ruined things. There was no going back.
[a pause.]
You were the only reason that I didn't slaughter everyone in the area, Rin. You did enough.
[ok well she'll come find him eventually after he LICKED HER BLOOD OFF HIS FINGERS
she is. tired, mostly, she has no idea what to feel about any of this, only that she feels a lot, and that she's like... lonely, almost. that's the only emotion she really feels, and it sucks!
so she seeks rin out, because she usually doesn't feel lonely when it comes to him.]
[she doesn't mind so much, she knows there's some weird cyoa shit going on. carefully she comes up to meet him, and - after a moment of trying to figure out how to answer that:]
I don't know. Not good, I think. But I can't tell how much of it is today, and how much of it is the remains of Thursday.
[ Rin is still a little shy about touching her, but he knows it always feels nice when she brushes his hair so he will reach out to do that, brushing some of her hair back from her face, and gently trailing a hand down an unbloodied cheek. ]
We haven't had any breaks lately, so... [ It's been a lot. ] Are you upset at the thought your team might keep killing?
[ Rin actually doesn't know that Shenhe and Nahida are from the same canon, he died before learning so much. ]
[she's a little surprised by the touch, but not in a bad way. he reaches out and she shifts to let him, closing her eyes for a second. touch is grounding, and it makes her feel a little less like she's going to crawl out of her body, so.
after a second:]
No. I'm not upset about that. [she brings a hand up to wipe her face.] ... I am upset they don't get caught, if they do.
[which she knows she shouldn't be, because she wants them to live, and win, but. if they die, she gets to see them again. she is also Feeling Things About Nahida but.]
... You love them, and want to be with them. There isn't anything unkind about that.
[ He takes her hand. ]
I was happy when you got here, because it meant that I could see you. But I was sad at the same time, because I didn't want you to have to die and be separated from everyone else.
You can want both things at the same time. For them to be here, and for them to live.
[she just. gently links their fingers together, when he does. three things you can feel. three things you can hear, three things you can see. the centering, and what rin tells her, makes it easier to pull her mind back into place, to stop wandering off.]
I do. [want those things. it's hard to figure out how to balance that. it takes other people telling her that it's okay to have conflicting emotions, that it's fine not to just feel everything in a clear-cut, explainable way.]
... I'm not upset to be here. [she says, after a moment.] I have you, and the others. And I am not often lonely anymore, and that means something to me.
[she wipes at her face again.] Before I was here, it was only me.
[ Feelings are truly hard to understand, even as someone who's been overwhelmed by them his entire life. If he were being honest, he often wishes that he felt less of them. That he could be more logical, smarter, less crowded by his own heart when he tried to understand others.
But it's kind of amazing to see Shenhe embrace her emotions, even if they're painful. He can't help being a romantic, glad to see love blossom around him. ]
Good.
[ He tosses an arm around her shoulder in the obnoxious way that he would often do to Haru, giving her a squeeze. ]
You're going to forget what being lonely was like soon enough. We can't leave each other alone here.
[she's a little startled when he throws an arm around her, but not in the way that means she'll send him across the room. she likes this, and there's a little bit of a smile on her face. carefully, like she's trying to figure out what's okay, she wraps an around around him in return.]
I have noticed. [she says, with a tinge of amusement.] You are all very loud.
[she looks tired! but she's happy to see rin, and she is going to just kiss him on the side of the head when she does, because she thinks he could use someone being nice to him like that.]
Anxious, I think. [she finally knows the word for it! unfortunately!] ... I am glad to see Wolfwood, though I'm not sure that he's happy to see me, and I am glad Fei Du isn't hurting himself anymore.
I am worried for what will happen next. But I will be alright. I think that there is nothing else I can do but face the new week with my head up high.
sorry, this just - makes her burst into giggles? it's the most laughter she's ever done i think she just laughs for a good fifteen seconds which is a world record for her]
... I'm happier than I was, I think. Which is pretty weird. [ he looks amused ] I guess you can really endure anything with the right people around you.
It's the same for me. [dying did wonders for a lot of things for her, from her mental health to her emotional control. it's wild.] I've liked it here. All of you have been... you've been good.
[she pets his hand with her thumb when he squeezes her own.]
No. Or, rather - I've not thought of going anywhere else but home, but I'd offer it to whoever wanted to come with me. I don't expect many people to say yes.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 0, sunday, bm gym
What stroke do you specialize in?
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Stroke? [she is here... fully clothed. help.]
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You know, freestyle, butterfly, breast or back?
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uh]
The first one. [sure, that one!]
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[ ... ]
Are you going to swim fully clothed?
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[you better hope she does because she has nothing on underneath. actually she will take her arm pieces off because she doesn't want those to get wet, but the rest is really just a bodysuit.]
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He moves over to get into position on the starting block. ]
All right. We'll start on "go".
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she moves to the edge of the pool, peering at it. wow. she's never been in one of these before. chlorine is going to be a surprise.]
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Finally, he gets frustrated and stands up. ]
I'm not going to race you if you don't take it seriously.
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[she glances at him.] Why are you over there? Is that where we start?
[POOLS AREN'T LIKE THIS WHERE SHE COMES FROM please]
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[ !!! ]
And you need to get into position on the starting block, otherwise we won't dive in at the same time.
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[she obediently stands on one!]
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Grumbling a little, he gets back into position. ]
Fine. One lap, freestyle. Start on go.
[ Serious sports anime music plays. ]
3... 2... 1... Go!
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i rolled a 2 so she loses probably. not that this is going to stop her from saying she's a better swimmer than him but listen]
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rin still celebrates once they're done, pumping one fist in the air ]
Yeah!!
w0, MONDAY
she is in the tree at the park, which you can probably tell because of her stupid arm danglies that are coming down out of said tree. hopefully it is not too much of a shock when she hangs out of the tree abruptly and holds out a packet of tabasco to rin.]
For protection.
[ok]
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He stares at her. ]
... What am I supposed to do with this?
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[frowns.]
It goes in the eyes of your enemies.
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Have you done that?
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[jiiiiiii]
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Don't give me reason to. [she really is just bullying him for no reason.] What are you doing out here?
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... Just walking around. This park is new, isn't it? [ Rubs his chin. ] Maybe the barrier is getting weaker?
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No. Or, I suppose, it doesn't matter if I leave or not.
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Why wouldn't it matter? You don't want to return home?
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she shrugs lightly.] This is as good a place as any for someone like me.
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What's that supposed to mean?
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You don't think you deserve to live?
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[or like, anything, but that's neither here nor there]
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You don't miss your friends and family?
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I suppose Master is family, but I'm not sure she'd miss me. And I only have one friend.
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That one friend must miss you?
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... You feel strongly about this.
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It doesn't matter about friends and family anyway, you deserve a chance to go back to your life as much as anyone else. It's weird that you don't know that!
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I do know that. I don't disagree. [...] I don't want to be erased. But what happens will happen.
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... I guess. I don't expect to win this game either.
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Hm. [well, that's actually upsetting to her in a weird way and she's not sure why!!!] Don't tell me that after you've insisted what you have.
If you don't expect it, it won't happen.
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[ He frowns up at her. ]
I care whether or not I get revived, but not enough to erase anyone.
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[she figures this is why there are teams, right - so some people can take the worst of the brunt of things.]
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Would you do that for your team?
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But whatever, I'm not changing your mind, am I?
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w0, FRIDAY 2
kind of brooding. it's not like she's sad, really, even though she probably should be.]
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He looks at her for a moment, before, ] What are you doing...?
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[she glances at him.] Are you alright?
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she's a little alarmed by the show of emotion but she Perseveres.]
We did. [but. she reaches for him to rest a hand on his shoulder.] It's alright to be upset about it, I think.
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... That's not going to do anything though. [ he does lean into her hand. ] It's not— productive.
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Productivity is only useful when you can focus on it. [she will keep her hand where it is.]
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Normally he would not do this, but it's touch week so kind of leans in and... puts his forehead on her shoulder. ]
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shenhe has no fuckin' idea what to do with this. help her. she goes a little stiff, unsure, but... there is a little part of her that hurts, because he is pretty young. she can remember being this young, and not knowing how to express upset as anything but anger.
carefully, she wraps her arms around him, and hugs him. she's learned how to do this from buzen, so it's surprisingly nice.]
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After some time, he draw back, looking a little embarrassed. ]
... Thanks.
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Mmhm. It should be easier to focus now. [she... she thinks???]
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I... guess. Whatever happened last night isn't making much sense right now.
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Are you hungry? [that's a little abrupt, but ok]
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Uh... a little?
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You should eat. [she doesn't want to go back to the ikea because she hates it there but she's Unwelcome at the mcdonald's so like. you know. she's going to take him to ikea???]
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Are you going to eat too?
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Yes. I will eat too.
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[ he smiles at her a little ]
week 1, wednesday, canals
anyway, rin is looking at the gondolas! ]
Hey, have you gone on a ride yet?
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Just once.
[she says, peering down at them.] But not for long. Have you?
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[ jock propaganda ]
Wanna go?
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she gives him what is, for her, a warm look.]
Alright. I'd like to. I had planned on exploring anyway. [it's easy enough to find an empty one!]
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You're a much better companion than Rang. He just complained about my steering.
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Rang complains about everything. [gazes.] Is he being especially rude to you?
[she will kill that guy for you if you want]
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Not more than anyone else. We've been... stuck together this week, so it's been kind of exhausting. But I actually got to have a decent conversation with him too.
I wonder what these effects are about. It's not exactly fostering a competitive atmosphere.
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... Effect. [a beat.] Oh. That makes sense.
[she really was just going with it,]
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... Did you just think you'd fallen in love?
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... No. [her red string is alex, so she just goes ??????] I have felt drawn to Alex more this week, but I had assumed it was left over from last week.
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[ like
really ]
Alex is pretty cool, I wouldn't mind being stuck with her instead...
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Alex is... pretty cool. [she says this in such an uncool way] If Rang is too unpleasant, I will make him stop. Just tell me.
[she is so overconfident that she can do this]
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No, he's not that bad. I think anyway... He's tried to be nice to me a couple times. He's not good at it, but he tried.
Do you not like him?
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No, I do. Unfortunately. [she says this so dryly.] We have more in common than you might think.
[she doesn't seem surprised that he tried to be nice to rin, though. that tracks, her in opinion.]
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Like what?
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When they think I'm an adeptus, they are fine with the way I am. But when they find out I'm not, they change. I'm unnatural.
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An immortal being that protects Liyue. [she explains first, and then:] ... You don't think that I am?
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No? You look like a normal person to me?
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Well. Perhaps you are strange too, and that's why you don't notice.
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Oi. [ scowls at her ] What does being strange have to do with being unnatural anyway? It'd be unnatural if you... you...
Went around eating babies or something.
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Well. I don't do that. [thankfully.] I can tell you, but it isn't a happy story.
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But you're not going to scare me.
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Cursed...? What do you mean by harm?
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I mean that I was born under ominous signs. I'm... [like she's reciting something:] Doomed to harm both myself and others. Sometimes it's injury. Most times it's death.
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[ As in, "I hope you don't think that". ]
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[but.] I won't deny any part I may have had, though.
w4, MONDAY
where is rin today, shenhe is kind of just... wandering. this place feels so much bigger than the living side and small all at once.]
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And Rin is at the bookstore! He's just browsing, and has two bodice rippers clutched in his hands.
He starts when he notices her. ]
Shenhe! ... Hi!
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anyway she seems to be in a little bit better of a mood today. she's a bit melancholy but who isn't, in the graveyard. she's wearing this and is lacking her usual red ropes... wow...
she looks at him. she looks at the bodice rippers.]
Hello, Rin. [she is a little amused. it's a little funny, ok] What are you doing?
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He leans casually against the bookshelf, not hiding his hands behind him because he's not stupid enough to do that, but purely to put on the air of someone who is relaxed. He is so casual right now. ]
Just checking out the book store, it wasn't here last week. [ To clarify, ] We get new locations every week too.
[ The mods are working hard...
He gives a look over, expression shifting over to concern. ]
How're you feeling?
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I see. [she tilts her head.] I'm glad. I would've been disappointed if there hadn't been books.
[as for the question, she pauses, and looks at the bookshelves, reaching up to just take one at random.]
Sad. [she says, tracing her fingers over the cover.] I miss my team. But I will survive it. It's a wonder to feel anything at all.
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Setting both books back on the shelf, he gives her a curious look. ]
Was there something stopping you from feeling things before?
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The ropes. [she's not sure if they were doing much while she was here, either, but she no longer has the placebo even if they weren't.]
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He looks confused. ]
Why? Because of all that stuff about being an ill omen?
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Yes. [...] I am violent without them. Or... I'm supposed to be.
[but she hasn't worn them since she woke up here, and like. she feels the same, so...]
I will not hurt anybody here.
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[ ... ]
There's no point, anyway. Killing each other here doesn't earn any points.
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How do you know? [curious...]
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I guess because we can't die... again? [ uhh ]
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[which... speaking of.] How have you been doing?
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he's turned his attention to other books on the shelf, but doesn't bother being anything other than honest when she asks. ]
It feels kind of weird to say, but it hasn't been that bad since Buzen and the others showed up. [ even though it meant they died ] ... But it hasn't stopped me from missing everyone else.
[ he doesn't offer specifics, knowing his team is a touchy topic. but he glances back at her. ]
So... you're not alone. It sucks being here, but at least there's people who know what you're going through.
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it's complicated, and it hurts, and she thinks she won't ever be able to sort it out because there are too many parts of her that don't fit. her friends, who hurt her, who hurt her team, who had reasons, reasons enough to sit and listen.
she exhales slowly.]
Yes. I am not alone. [she reaches to rest her hand on his arm.] I'm not angry with you. I think I should make that clear.
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He doesn't know if they were given an ultimatum, or if they stepped up after seeing their rank. That question too, he keeps to himself.
Instead, he accepts her kindness, putting a hand over hers. ]
... Thanks. I wouldn't blame you if you did.
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[a pause.]
This is the way things are. I can't be angry, not for this. It will burn me up from the inside, and I must do what I can while I still exist to make sure that the people I care for have a chance.
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With a small smile, ] That's—
[ Which is exactly when a pig falls on his head, sending them both into a memory of a sleepy town in the south of Japan, with much younger versions of Rin and Haru. ]
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she startles, and when she comes back to her senses she's holding onto the bookshelves.]
... You quit swimming. Why? Haru told me how much you love it. [she doesn't bother stopping herself from asking - that's more important than why am i seeing your memories because this place is so fucking weird that she might! as well! just accept it!]
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He steps back slightly, a little pained at the sight of Haru. ]
I was tired of feeling like a failure. [ He's also keenly aware of how stupid his problems sound considering they were just talking about Shenhe's death. ] I had all these hopes and dreams, and they all felt so impossible for me.
It hurt. To work so hard and dedicate my life to something and see it amount to nothing... So I quit.
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she wonders if it's changed, since then. they looked young.]
Haru said that you wanted to swim professionally. Like the Olympics, but not stupid. [they talked... a lot, about rin.] Did you start up again? Or have you still quit?
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I started swimming again, when I saw Haru a few years later. But I was on the verge of quitting again before I came here.
[ It's an on-again off-again relationships.
Still, he smiles a little and meets her gaze. ]
But being here [ and reconciling with Haru... ] made me regret not giving it my all, no matter what.
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You should continue to swim. [she says, like she's agreeing.] There is nothing to regret. You are still here. You still exist, in some form, so you can - give it your all.
Before I was erased, Wolfwood told me that there is no point in not experiencing everything that you can. I think you should also follow this advice.
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That is good advice. [ Thanks, Wolfwood. ] I know that I want to swim with Haru again.
... That's not new. But looking forward to it does make experiencing everything else more more exciting.
[ Wow, that's kind of embarrassing. He clears his throat. ]
What was he telling you to experience?
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... Everything. [she says, tilting her head back.] Food, music, people. My life before here was restrained. I thought that it had to be, so I avoided temptations, or things that I would miss too much.
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She's mentioned it before, trying to cut off her emotions, so he looks curious. ]
... Because people were afraid you'd be violent? Is that because of what you said about being considered bad luck?
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he says this, though, and it's such a good lead in so. here you go, bonks you with a memory as shenhe starts to speak:
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How someone six years-old could endure all that and survive.
He's both disoriented and nauseous when the book store comes back around them, heart thudding. ]
... Why would he- [ He looks right at her, brows drawn together. ] How could he do something like that?
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There was nothing, no one, that he loved more than his wife. [she says, looking away.] She died of sickness, but because of what was foretold about me, he always thought it was my fault.
[she fiddles with the books on the shelves.]
It may have been. I'm still not sure.
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He had no right. He had no idea what he was missing. ]
People are always looking for someone or something to blame—I blamed Haru for my struggles with swimming, I'd know. It's... not your fault.
[ He bites his lip a moment. ]
... I'm sorry. That he left you like that.
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[she says, first, looking up at him. it's genuine. it's nice, to hear that it isn't her fault. she doesn't think it is either, but sometimes - sometimes, she wonders. she wonders what she must have done to deserve being given up as sacrifice. what she must've done to finally feel like it was worth it to live, and then have that taken from her.]
Fate is a tricky thing, I think. [she says, tracing her fingers along the books.] There are always multiple paths a story can take. My story started with a curse, but...
It led me here. It let me experience all of this. I met you, and Haru, and Nahri, Vash, Wolfwood. I think that I can be okay with that.
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I'm glad. [ He gives her a smile, pulling a random book off the shelf just to have something to do, placated by her words but still... frustrated. Angry.
He'd always been the type to pick at things rather than let them heal. ]
Did you ever see him again?
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No. Shortly after he left me there, he hung himself. [she says this so flatly.] I would have nothing to say to him, anyway.
[her fingers twitch on the covers.]
Well. No, I suppose that isn't true. I think I'd want to ask him why. [...] So many people have asked me why, and I have no answer for them.
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I don't think there would be an answer that makes sense. Grief is... dangerous. [ He shuffles a little awkwardly. ] Things happen that make no sense, and you try to find a reason for all the pain that you're feeling.
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... Yes. [she glances at him.] I have felt that a few times, here. Every time the dead were announced on the living side, I have felt so much that I almost could not contain it.
[a pause, and then she reaches over to put her hand on his arm.]
You do know how much your death affected people, right? This isn't to make you feel guilty, but I think you should know how much of an impact you had.
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He's not sure how to accept it, but he believes her, and values that she made the effort to share this sentiment with him. ]
... Thanks.
[ He meets her gaze with a small smile. ]
I'm really glad we met, Shenhe. I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.
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she smiles a little, when he gives her one. it's small, but she's been practicing!]
I am glad we met, too. [she brings that hand up to push his hair out of his face.] And I am glad you think of me as a friend.
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She's so mom, he looks a little pleased at the touch. ]
Think of? Does that mean we aren't actually?
[ He's teasing.
Also, while we're here, have another memory. It's not important, I just need everyone to look at Rin's perfect little sister. ]
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Your... sister? You have a sibling. [ohhh this is so cute... shenhe tilts her head a little.] She looks like you.
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Yeah, Gou. The two of us and my mom have a pretty strong family resemblance because of our hair. [ anime red
he looks curious, hesitant to bring it up but... ]
Your hair used to be black?
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shenhe huffs.]
... Yes. It used to be black.
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He's not the type to be forward with touch, but his fingers brush the crook of her arm, tilting his head closer to look at her hair more closely. ]
That explains it. [ And then looking back at her. ] That was a beautiful crane.
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That was Cloud Retainer. My master. [kind of mom.]
week 4, sunday, sushi shop
Anyway, they meet... Properly meals is important. ]
Shenhe, wanna join me?
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Yes, I do. [she will wander over to him!] ... Are you alright, Rin?
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anyway, he is peacefully eating sushi, but he grimaces at that, glancing away. ]
Better than yesterday. [ ... ] I probably owe a lot of apologies.
[ his temper tantrum ]
How... are you?
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You were upset. I think most would understand. I would have been just as furious if Wolfwood had been caught.
[a pause.] I'm fine. Worried. I'm not very good at this.
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Worried about what?
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Making things work. There are rules, and restrictions, and a lot of guidelines to follow. I am not used to having to act carefully.
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[ he looks surprised ]
You don't think purposely hoarding hot sauce was acting carefully?
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What? No. That is self-defense. [which i guess is different than acting carefully according to shenhe]
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I think you're pretty careful. [ hmm ] What are you specifically worried will happen?
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[a slow exhale. she's never had anxiety before! these are new emotions!]
Something bad. I am afraid of causing something bad to happen, because I always do.
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... It's okay to be afraid. [ he laces his hands together ] Because I think... the chances of something bad happening are pretty high. We're in totally unchartered territory.
[ he gives her an honest look. ]
But I know that whenever you're around, you've made things better for me. Not worse.
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she's quiet for a moment.]
I'm glad for that. [she says, her shoulders relaxing a little.] I told Jonas once that I want to be the sort of person that helps, rather than hurts.
[...] You make me feel like I am doing something right, Rin.
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Good. That's how friends should make each other feel, right? [ he squeezes her hand. ] I really hope that things start to get better soon.
week 5, thursday
Later, after respawning, Rin is going to look for Shenhe... He was pretty terrified to wake up and not know what was going on, so he's a little frantic. It doesn't even occur to him to use his phone. Dumbass. ]
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she's curled up on a bench in the park disassociating (real). she's holding her toy axe like it's the most important thing in the world and just staring into the middle distance. man.]
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He doesn't have the words to say yet.
So he sits down and leans against her. ]
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no, wait. no. she's not. he's not.
but he is rin, and her arm shakes and then wraps around him. she turns to hold onto him.]
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She's here, and he's so grateful.
He turns to press his head against hers, feeling the ache that exists between them both. ]
I... We made it out.
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You... I. [she starts, and her voice is hoarse. she hasn't used it in a while - she bluescreened somewhere in the middle of the beach battle and just never really recovered from it.] You died.
[she holds him a little more tightly.]
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Yeah. [ He feels strangely numb about it. Like it doesn't even matter. Like his life doesn't matter anymore, not after what he did and what he failed to do.
But he understands that it must've hurt her, so he puts his arms around her too, resting his head atop hers. ]
I'm sorry. I know you tried... I know you wanted to protect us.
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I couldn't. [she says, quietly.] I didn't protect anybody.
[but. she pets at him gently, anyway.] You were brave.
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He doesn't know what happened to leave her like that. ]
... I saw my friend... my sister, they were kids.
I couldn't kill them.
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[she says, after a moment.]
I saw Nahri. Wolfwood. They were children. I wanted to save them. [she brings a hand up, absently, and runs her fingers through his hair.] I didn't.
[...] You shouldn't have had to even consider it.
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He grips the fabric of her shirt. Is any part of her clothing still bloodied, by the way? ]
None of us should have. [ There's a very clear anger in his voice, sadness giving way to frustration. ] You— tried so hard to save us, Shenhe. You even.
[ killed the people you love. ]
But I. I wasted your sacrifice.
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... You didn't waste it. [she says, after a moment.]
I don't want you to be like me. [she doesn't want him to have killed someone to save the world. that's too much.] It was too late. I had already ruined things. There was no going back.
[a pause.]
You were the only reason that I didn't slaughter everyone in the area, Rin. You did enough.
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He feels some of the tightness in his chest ease when she tells him he did enough, a tide of relief that he just barely holds back. ]
... We were set up to do the impossible.
[ It's easier to direct his anger at the situation than himself when Shenhe is on the line, an irritated growl permeating his words. ]
If you ruined the mission, it was because you have a good heart. I know it.
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[she says, softer. she shifts a hand up to tuck his hair behind his ear, without dislodging him.]
You are a good person. You have been from the first day I met you. [...] We will both have to remember that.
w5, SATURDAY
she is. tired, mostly, she has no idea what to feel about any of this, only that she feels a lot, and that she's like... lonely, almost. that's the only emotion she really feels, and it sucks!
so she seeks rin out, because she usually doesn't feel lonely when it comes to him.]
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Rin kind of wanted to be swallowed up by the earth, but he won't try to hide. When he sees her, he'll meet her halfway. ]
Hey. [ ... ] Sorry about earlier, I don't know why I did that.
[ But more importantly, ] How are you feeling?
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[she doesn't mind so much, she knows there's some weird cyoa shit going on. carefully she comes up to meet him, and - after a moment of trying to figure out how to answer that:]
I don't know. Not good, I think. But I can't tell how much of it is today, and how much of it is the remains of Thursday.
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We haven't had any breaks lately, so... [ It's been a lot. ] Are you upset at the thought your team might keep killing?
[ Rin actually doesn't know that Shenhe and Nahida are from the same canon, he died before learning so much. ]
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after a second:]
No. I'm not upset about that. [she brings a hand up to wipe her face.] ... I am upset they don't get caught, if they do.
[which she knows she shouldn't be, because she wants them to live, and win, but. if they die, she gets to see them again. she is also Feeling Things About Nahida but.]
It isn't kind of me.
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[ He takes her hand. ]
I was happy when you got here, because it meant that I could see you. But I was sad at the same time, because I didn't want you to have to die and be separated from everyone else.
You can want both things at the same time. For them to be here, and for them to live.
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I do. [want those things. it's hard to figure out how to balance that. it takes other people telling her that it's okay to have conflicting emotions, that it's fine not to just feel everything in a clear-cut, explainable way.]
... I'm not upset to be here. [she says, after a moment.] I have you, and the others. And I am not often lonely anymore, and that means something to me.
[she wipes at her face again.] Before I was here, it was only me.
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But it's kind of amazing to see Shenhe embrace her emotions, even if they're painful. He can't help being a romantic, glad to see love blossom around him. ]
Good.
[ He tosses an arm around her shoulder in the obnoxious way that he would often do to Haru, giving her a squeeze. ]
You're going to forget what being lonely was like soon enough. We can't leave each other alone here.
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I have noticed. [she says, with a tinge of amusement.] You are all very loud.
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he just grins at that, laughing a little ]
It's better than silence though, isn't it? It's nice to be in good company.
week 6, sunday
rin probably texted shenhe to meet up, they can be at the ice cream parlour... ]
How're you doing? It's been... a long weekend.
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Anxious, I think. [she finally knows the word for it! unfortunately!] ... I am glad to see Wolfwood, though I'm not sure that he's happy to see me, and I am glad Fei Du isn't hurting himself anymore.
I am worried for what will happen next. But I will be alright. I think that there is nothing else I can do but face the new week with my head up high.
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he looks a little puzzled. ]
Why wouldn't he be happy to see you?
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It has been a long time. I imagine I'm not a priority. [And I killed him. Not that he knows that.]
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Shenhe. Don't... underestimate how important you are to your team. It doesn't matter how long it's been.
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I hope that I am. [she says, after a moment.] I know that I am to Nahri.
... I have never had friends before. I don't know what to expect when being reunited with them.
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You reunited with me, didn't you? [ ... ] But replace all the sorrow with joy.
[ Not that he doesn't think she was glad to see him, but also Dying Sucks. ]
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I suppose that's true. [she reaches across the table to tug a strand of his hair gently.] I have enough joy to keep me going for years, I think.
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Also, hands her an ice cream. ]
So you're... dating Nahri, right?
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she just
looks at him with ice cream in hand]
No. Stop reading my text messages.
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I mean— [ alksdjfa ] I-... okay...
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she takes pity on him.]
... She kissed me, before I died. [she will eat some of the ice cream.] I don't know if that is dating.
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... I actually don't either. [ help ] But she must care about you. And I'm glad you get to have that.
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[that's painfully honest.]
Thank you. [she glances up at him.] And you? Are you dating Haru, then?
[this is mostly teasing since he just did this to her]
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HE CRUSHES HIS ICE CREAM
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. ]
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sorry, this just - makes her burst into giggles? it's the most laughter she's ever done i think she just laughs for a good fifteen seconds which is a world record for her]
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—Crap! [ He can't even marvel at her giggles, scurrying off to clean up his hand and the mess he made on the floor.
Once his brain is no longer frozen, ] That wasn't a serious suggestion.
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I think I should ask you seriously, this time. [do you have a crush on haru don't be het]
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No, you shouldn't. [ he shakes his head. ] Haru doesn't date. His first crush was on a waterfall.
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Hm... well, that's unfortunate.
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That's how he is. As long as he's happy.
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Are you happy, Rin?
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he opens his mouth, quiet in his surprise. ]
... I'm happier than I was, I think. Which is pretty weird. [ he looks amused ] I guess you can really endure anything with the right people around you.
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It's the same for me. [dying did wonders for a lot of things for her, from her mental health to her emotional control. it's wild.] I've liked it here. All of you have been... you've been good.
[a beat.] I will miss you.
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his expression softens, and he will squeeze her ice cream free hand. ]
I'll miss you too. [ ... ] Have you thought about... going somewhere else? Like Nightingale said.
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No. Or, rather - I've not thought of going anywhere else but home, but I'd offer it to whoever wanted to come with me. I don't expect many people to say yes.
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I want them to come with me. Teyvat is much nicer than No Man's Land, and Nahri wouldn't have to be engaged to a man who uses her as a political tool.
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-- He did? Why? It is terrible. It's only sand and bugs.
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Anyway, I hope they go with you.
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... I hope they do too, but I won't be angry if they think it's better not to. I'll just miss them.