I see. [well that makes her less likely to kill. unless gerard gets here. she won't tell him that part.] Well, I suppose that's motive enough to keep going.
he's turned his attention to other books on the shelf, but doesn't bother being anything other than honest when she asks. ]
It feels kind of weird to say, but it hasn't been that bad since Buzen and the others showed up. [ even though it meant they died ] ... But it hasn't stopped me from missing everyone else.
[ he doesn't offer specifics, knowing his team is a touchy topic. but he glances back at her. ]
So... you're not alone. It sucks being here, but at least there's people who know what you're going through.
[she gets it. it's a touchy topic, but - she really doesn't fault him for missing his team. she doesn't fault them for hurting people to get him back. she can't say she wouldn't have done the same for her own.
it's complicated, and it hurts, and she thinks she won't ever be able to sort it out because there are too many parts of her that don't fit. her friends, who hurt her, who hurt her team, who had reasons, reasons enough to sit and listen.
she exhales slowly.]
Yes. I am not alone. [she reaches to rest her hand on his arm.] I'm not angry with you. I think I should make that clear.
[ He doesn't tell her that she should be. That they were pushed into a corner because he was too weak to fight. Because he squandered every chance he had that night to turn his psych against D. Hadn't cared enough to fight for their team like they would for him.
He doesn't know if they were given an ultimatum, or if they stepped up after seeing their rank. That question too, he keeps to himself.
Instead, he accepts her kindness, putting a hand over hers. ]
It could have easily been Gerard. [she just says it bluntly.] When we agreed to fight, I told him that I would not hold back.
[a pause.]
This is the way things are. I can't be angry, not for this. It will burn me up from the inside, and I must do what I can while I still exist to make sure that the people I care for have a chance.
[ He watches her for a moment, the unsettled sensation in his chest cooling off with relief.
With a small smile, ] That's—
[ Which is exactly when a pig falls on his head, sending them both into a memory of a sleepy town in the south of Japan, with much younger versions of Rin and Haru. ]
[PIG HELP okay normally i'd give a memory right back but the idea of giving him one of her memories right after this cute slice of life bit is a lot so
she startles, and when she comes back to her senses she's holding onto the bookshelves.]
... You quit swimming. Why? Haru told me how much you love it. [she doesn't bother stopping herself from asking - that's more important than why am i seeing your memories because this place is so fucking weird that she might! as well! just accept it!]
He steps back slightly, a little pained at the sight of Haru. ]
I was tired of feeling like a failure. [ He's also keenly aware of how stupid his problems sound considering they were just talking about Shenhe's death. ] I had all these hopes and dreams, and they all felt so impossible for me.
It hurt. To work so hard and dedicate my life to something and see it amount to nothing... So I quit.
[she doesn't have any sort of sense for like... which problems are worse, honestly, she thinks that rin quitting swimming is about as bad as her dying. which - kind of? both of those things, in her mind, means that they are away from the things they love.
she wonders if it's changed, since then. they looked young.]
Haru said that you wanted to swim professionally. Like the Olympics, but not stupid. [they talked... a lot, about rin.] Did you start up again? Or have you still quit?
[there's something like... approving, maybe, on her face, when he says that and meets her gaze.]
You should continue to swim. [she says, like she's agreeing.] There is nothing to regret. You are still here. You still exist, in some form, so you can - give it your all.
Before I was erased, Wolfwood told me that there is no point in not experiencing everything that you can. I think you should also follow this advice.
[this is cute and gay and shenhe is distantly amused by it. it's familiar? not with haru, obviously, she's not going to steal rin's man, but. having things to look forward to makes life a little more worth living.]
... Everything. [she says, tilting her head back.] Food, music, people. My life before here was restrained. I thought that it had to be, so I avoided temptations, or things that I would miss too much.
he says this, though, and it's such a good lead in so. here you go, bonks you with a memory as shenhe starts to speak:
You are sitting in the garden of your childhood home, in a little village that you've grown up in. You are six years old, and your father has been away for a year, though you're not sure why. It makes you sad, sometimes, when you think about it. Your mother is gone, and the village takes turns making sure that you aren't starving, but for the most part, you're just alone, making up stories and playing with the stray dogs in the village. It's lonely. You're very lonely.
So when your father returns after that year, and he gives you a smile that borders on manic, you don't notice how it looks. You're overjoyed - father is back, and maybe this time, he won't leave. Maybe this time your curse won't drive him away. You can be good this time. You will find a way to make sure that you don't hurt him or anybody else ever again. Maybe he's forgiven you for what happened to your mother.
He doesn't even wash up, when he returns. He comes straight to the garden and smiles widely at you, and says that you should come with him to the cave in the mountains behind the village. He has a surprise for you, to make up for the fact that he hasn't been home. You don't really hope for much, but. A toy would be nice! Maybe a kite, or something that the two of you can play with together.
Your father brings you to the cave. You make sure your long black hair is out of the way, ready for whatever the surprise is.
But he barely even pays attention to you as he strides into the cave. He goes right to the altar in the middle, constructed out of stone, and he flicks through a book, and he mutters. And you take a step forward because you're unsure. Maybe you should help? You take another step forward, and then - out of the book swirls something dark and hideous, a black and rotting creature that has no shape at first as it crawls out. It drips out of the book, and your father turns and starts to walk away.
You're confused - you're a little scared, so you say, "Father?" and he ignores you, and so you look back at the shadows that soak down out of the pages, and you see it is growing teeth. It is watching you with bright blood-red eyes, and when it meets your gaze, it licks its lips.
You stumble back, and you start to cry - you are six years old, and this is the scariest thing you've ever seen - and you turn and race after your father. This isn't what he meant, right? This can't be the surprise - but he pushes you to the ground and sneers at you.
"You are a cursed child," he spits, and you stare up at him from where you're crumpled on the ground. You reach for him. No, it - no, this time, it'll be better. This time you won't bring ruin to everybody around you, you promise, you will find a way to be good, but he just shakes his head and keeps walking. "Your life brings nothing but disaster to us all."
You stand, shakily, and run, but something grabs your leg, and you scream as the monster drags you back. Your father leaves.
"At least if you die, I can bring her back." And the light from outside vanishes as the monster pulls you towards it's mouth.
But as a child - a child who hasn't grown up just yet, a child who hasn't forsaken emotion and the joys of living because you know that you aren't allowed those anymore - you don't want to die. You want to play outside, and you want to make friends with the other children in the village, and you want your mother back, and you want your father to love you, and you don't want to die you don't want to die you want to live --
The sleeping calamitous fates, violent urges, and unyielding spirit within you burst their bonds all at once. They are your unseen shield, your invisible blade, and they are all that your frail form has to protect yourself. You have a dagger that belonged to your mother. Instinct has you cut open part of the monster and it wails, and you run to hide. Your next attack is with fangs and claws; you swear to tear that wretched creature before you to shreds — to prove that you, and not it, are the cruelest evil that stalked the darkness.
For days, your life-and-death battle is one without end. Hunter and hunted switch places many times, the conflict locked in stalemate. Sometimes it rips at your skin and sometimes it just chases you when it finds you. Sometimes you beat it back just enough to find some time to rest. But you are exhausted. You can't sleep. You're hungry, and you're thirsty, and everything hurts, but you don't want to die. You refuse. You won't. But there's only so much that your tiny body can handle, and eventually, you collapse. You're afraid. You know it is coming, the monster, with its snakelike body and hungry maw. But you can't find the strength to continue.
And that's when the tide changes.
A vivid icy light pierces through the dark like skyglow, showing the path to the future. A crystalline object falls down from nowhere, into your hands. You look down at it shakily, trying to breathe. You know, instinctively, that this will allow you to wield ice. That you can use this to decide which monster will live, and which will die.
You pull yourself to your feet one more time. You wipe the tears away.
It's the last time you ever cried. It's the last time you felt anything at all.]
[ It feels inhuman, everything that happens around him. A father that resented you, hated you, left you for dead. He couldn't understand why someone would blame a child for anything, why no one would help her.
How someone six years-old could endure all that and survive.
He's both disoriented and nauseous when the book store comes back around them, heart thudding. ]
... Why would he- [ He looks right at her, brows drawn together. ] How could he do something like that?
[she feels - empty, like she usually does when she remembers this. it hurts to remember, sometimes, but mostly she doesn't feel anything at all.]
There was nothing, no one, that he loved more than his wife. [she says, looking away.] She died of sickness, but because of what was foretold about me, he always thought it was my fault.
It's not your fault for being born, or for living. [ He's still angry that anyone would say that. So angry that her father would take a child so beautiful and full of love and throw her away like she was nothing.
He had no right. He had no idea what he was missing. ]
People are always looking for someone or something to blame—I blamed Haru for my struggles with swimming, I'd know. It's... not your fault.
[she says, first, looking up at him. it's genuine. it's nice, to hear that it isn't her fault. she doesn't think it is either, but sometimes - sometimes, she wonders. she wonders what she must have done to deserve being given up as sacrifice. what she must've done to finally feel like it was worth it to live, and then have that taken from her.]
Fate is a tricky thing, I think. [she says, tracing her fingers along the books.] There are always multiple paths a story can take. My story started with a curse, but...
It led me here. It let me experience all of this. I met you, and Haru, and Nahri, Vash, Wolfwood. I think that I can be okay with that.
[ That's a sweet sentiment, and one he feels too. He'd only been with everyone for a short time, but he was more than grateful for the bonds he'd been able to build. ]
I'm glad. [ He gives her a smile, pulling a random book off the shelf just to have something to do, placated by her words but still... frustrated. Angry.
He'd always been the type to pick at things rather than let them heal. ]
I don't think there would be an answer that makes sense. Grief is... dangerous. [ He shuffles a little awkwardly. ] Things happen that make no sense, and you try to find a reason for all the pain that you're feeling.
... Yes. [she glances at him.] I have felt that a few times, here. Every time the dead were announced on the living side, I have felt so much that I almost could not contain it.
[a pause, and then she reaches over to put her hand on his arm.]
You do know how much your death affected people, right? This isn't to make you feel guilty, but I think you should know how much of an impact you had.
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How do you know? [curious...]
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I guess because we can't die... again? [ uhh ]
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[which... speaking of.] How have you been doing?
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he's turned his attention to other books on the shelf, but doesn't bother being anything other than honest when she asks. ]
It feels kind of weird to say, but it hasn't been that bad since Buzen and the others showed up. [ even though it meant they died ] ... But it hasn't stopped me from missing everyone else.
[ he doesn't offer specifics, knowing his team is a touchy topic. but he glances back at her. ]
So... you're not alone. It sucks being here, but at least there's people who know what you're going through.
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it's complicated, and it hurts, and she thinks she won't ever be able to sort it out because there are too many parts of her that don't fit. her friends, who hurt her, who hurt her team, who had reasons, reasons enough to sit and listen.
she exhales slowly.]
Yes. I am not alone. [she reaches to rest her hand on his arm.] I'm not angry with you. I think I should make that clear.
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He doesn't know if they were given an ultimatum, or if they stepped up after seeing their rank. That question too, he keeps to himself.
Instead, he accepts her kindness, putting a hand over hers. ]
... Thanks. I wouldn't blame you if you did.
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[a pause.]
This is the way things are. I can't be angry, not for this. It will burn me up from the inside, and I must do what I can while I still exist to make sure that the people I care for have a chance.
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With a small smile, ] That's—
[ Which is exactly when a pig falls on his head, sending them both into a memory of a sleepy town in the south of Japan, with much younger versions of Rin and Haru. ]
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she startles, and when she comes back to her senses she's holding onto the bookshelves.]
... You quit swimming. Why? Haru told me how much you love it. [she doesn't bother stopping herself from asking - that's more important than why am i seeing your memories because this place is so fucking weird that she might! as well! just accept it!]
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He steps back slightly, a little pained at the sight of Haru. ]
I was tired of feeling like a failure. [ He's also keenly aware of how stupid his problems sound considering they were just talking about Shenhe's death. ] I had all these hopes and dreams, and they all felt so impossible for me.
It hurt. To work so hard and dedicate my life to something and see it amount to nothing... So I quit.
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she wonders if it's changed, since then. they looked young.]
Haru said that you wanted to swim professionally. Like the Olympics, but not stupid. [they talked... a lot, about rin.] Did you start up again? Or have you still quit?
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I started swimming again, when I saw Haru a few years later. But I was on the verge of quitting again before I came here.
[ It's an on-again off-again relationships.
Still, he smiles a little and meets her gaze. ]
But being here [ and reconciling with Haru... ] made me regret not giving it my all, no matter what.
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You should continue to swim. [she says, like she's agreeing.] There is nothing to regret. You are still here. You still exist, in some form, so you can - give it your all.
Before I was erased, Wolfwood told me that there is no point in not experiencing everything that you can. I think you should also follow this advice.
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That is good advice. [ Thanks, Wolfwood. ] I know that I want to swim with Haru again.
... That's not new. But looking forward to it does make experiencing everything else more more exciting.
[ Wow, that's kind of embarrassing. He clears his throat. ]
What was he telling you to experience?
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... Everything. [she says, tilting her head back.] Food, music, people. My life before here was restrained. I thought that it had to be, so I avoided temptations, or things that I would miss too much.
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She's mentioned it before, trying to cut off her emotions, so he looks curious. ]
... Because people were afraid you'd be violent? Is that because of what you said about being considered bad luck?
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he says this, though, and it's such a good lead in so. here you go, bonks you with a memory as shenhe starts to speak:
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How someone six years-old could endure all that and survive.
He's both disoriented and nauseous when the book store comes back around them, heart thudding. ]
... Why would he- [ He looks right at her, brows drawn together. ] How could he do something like that?
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There was nothing, no one, that he loved more than his wife. [she says, looking away.] She died of sickness, but because of what was foretold about me, he always thought it was my fault.
[she fiddles with the books on the shelves.]
It may have been. I'm still not sure.
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He had no right. He had no idea what he was missing. ]
People are always looking for someone or something to blame—I blamed Haru for my struggles with swimming, I'd know. It's... not your fault.
[ He bites his lip a moment. ]
... I'm sorry. That he left you like that.
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[she says, first, looking up at him. it's genuine. it's nice, to hear that it isn't her fault. she doesn't think it is either, but sometimes - sometimes, she wonders. she wonders what she must have done to deserve being given up as sacrifice. what she must've done to finally feel like it was worth it to live, and then have that taken from her.]
Fate is a tricky thing, I think. [she says, tracing her fingers along the books.] There are always multiple paths a story can take. My story started with a curse, but...
It led me here. It let me experience all of this. I met you, and Haru, and Nahri, Vash, Wolfwood. I think that I can be okay with that.
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I'm glad. [ He gives her a smile, pulling a random book off the shelf just to have something to do, placated by her words but still... frustrated. Angry.
He'd always been the type to pick at things rather than let them heal. ]
Did you ever see him again?
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No. Shortly after he left me there, he hung himself. [she says this so flatly.] I would have nothing to say to him, anyway.
[her fingers twitch on the covers.]
Well. No, I suppose that isn't true. I think I'd want to ask him why. [...] So many people have asked me why, and I have no answer for them.
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I don't think there would be an answer that makes sense. Grief is... dangerous. [ He shuffles a little awkwardly. ] Things happen that make no sense, and you try to find a reason for all the pain that you're feeling.
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... Yes. [she glances at him.] I have felt that a few times, here. Every time the dead were announced on the living side, I have felt so much that I almost could not contain it.
[a pause, and then she reaches over to put her hand on his arm.]
You do know how much your death affected people, right? This isn't to make you feel guilty, but I think you should know how much of an impact you had.
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