[this is cute and gay and shenhe is distantly amused by it. it's familiar? not with haru, obviously, she's not going to steal rin's man, but. having things to look forward to makes life a little more worth living.]
... Everything. [she says, tilting her head back.] Food, music, people. My life before here was restrained. I thought that it had to be, so I avoided temptations, or things that I would miss too much.
he says this, though, and it's such a good lead in so. here you go, bonks you with a memory as shenhe starts to speak:
You are sitting in the garden of your childhood home, in a little village that you've grown up in. You are six years old, and your father has been away for a year, though you're not sure why. It makes you sad, sometimes, when you think about it. Your mother is gone, and the village takes turns making sure that you aren't starving, but for the most part, you're just alone, making up stories and playing with the stray dogs in the village. It's lonely. You're very lonely.
So when your father returns after that year, and he gives you a smile that borders on manic, you don't notice how it looks. You're overjoyed - father is back, and maybe this time, he won't leave. Maybe this time your curse won't drive him away. You can be good this time. You will find a way to make sure that you don't hurt him or anybody else ever again. Maybe he's forgiven you for what happened to your mother.
He doesn't even wash up, when he returns. He comes straight to the garden and smiles widely at you, and says that you should come with him to the cave in the mountains behind the village. He has a surprise for you, to make up for the fact that he hasn't been home. You don't really hope for much, but. A toy would be nice! Maybe a kite, or something that the two of you can play with together.
Your father brings you to the cave. You make sure your long black hair is out of the way, ready for whatever the surprise is.
But he barely even pays attention to you as he strides into the cave. He goes right to the altar in the middle, constructed out of stone, and he flicks through a book, and he mutters. And you take a step forward because you're unsure. Maybe you should help? You take another step forward, and then - out of the book swirls something dark and hideous, a black and rotting creature that has no shape at first as it crawls out. It drips out of the book, and your father turns and starts to walk away.
You're confused - you're a little scared, so you say, "Father?" and he ignores you, and so you look back at the shadows that soak down out of the pages, and you see it is growing teeth. It is watching you with bright blood-red eyes, and when it meets your gaze, it licks its lips.
You stumble back, and you start to cry - you are six years old, and this is the scariest thing you've ever seen - and you turn and race after your father. This isn't what he meant, right? This can't be the surprise - but he pushes you to the ground and sneers at you.
"You are a cursed child," he spits, and you stare up at him from where you're crumpled on the ground. You reach for him. No, it - no, this time, it'll be better. This time you won't bring ruin to everybody around you, you promise, you will find a way to be good, but he just shakes his head and keeps walking. "Your life brings nothing but disaster to us all."
You stand, shakily, and run, but something grabs your leg, and you scream as the monster drags you back. Your father leaves.
"At least if you die, I can bring her back." And the light from outside vanishes as the monster pulls you towards it's mouth.
But as a child - a child who hasn't grown up just yet, a child who hasn't forsaken emotion and the joys of living because you know that you aren't allowed those anymore - you don't want to die. You want to play outside, and you want to make friends with the other children in the village, and you want your mother back, and you want your father to love you, and you don't want to die you don't want to die you want to live --
The sleeping calamitous fates, violent urges, and unyielding spirit within you burst their bonds all at once. They are your unseen shield, your invisible blade, and they are all that your frail form has to protect yourself. You have a dagger that belonged to your mother. Instinct has you cut open part of the monster and it wails, and you run to hide. Your next attack is with fangs and claws; you swear to tear that wretched creature before you to shreds — to prove that you, and not it, are the cruelest evil that stalked the darkness.
For days, your life-and-death battle is one without end. Hunter and hunted switch places many times, the conflict locked in stalemate. Sometimes it rips at your skin and sometimes it just chases you when it finds you. Sometimes you beat it back just enough to find some time to rest. But you are exhausted. You can't sleep. You're hungry, and you're thirsty, and everything hurts, but you don't want to die. You refuse. You won't. But there's only so much that your tiny body can handle, and eventually, you collapse. You're afraid. You know it is coming, the monster, with its snakelike body and hungry maw. But you can't find the strength to continue.
And that's when the tide changes.
A vivid icy light pierces through the dark like skyglow, showing the path to the future. A crystalline object falls down from nowhere, into your hands. You look down at it shakily, trying to breathe. You know, instinctively, that this will allow you to wield ice. That you can use this to decide which monster will live, and which will die.
You pull yourself to your feet one more time. You wipe the tears away.
It's the last time you ever cried. It's the last time you felt anything at all.]
[ It feels inhuman, everything that happens around him. A father that resented you, hated you, left you for dead. He couldn't understand why someone would blame a child for anything, why no one would help her.
How someone six years-old could endure all that and survive.
He's both disoriented and nauseous when the book store comes back around them, heart thudding. ]
... Why would he- [ He looks right at her, brows drawn together. ] How could he do something like that?
[she feels - empty, like she usually does when she remembers this. it hurts to remember, sometimes, but mostly she doesn't feel anything at all.]
There was nothing, no one, that he loved more than his wife. [she says, looking away.] She died of sickness, but because of what was foretold about me, he always thought it was my fault.
It's not your fault for being born, or for living. [ He's still angry that anyone would say that. So angry that her father would take a child so beautiful and full of love and throw her away like she was nothing.
He had no right. He had no idea what he was missing. ]
People are always looking for someone or something to blame—I blamed Haru for my struggles with swimming, I'd know. It's... not your fault.
[she says, first, looking up at him. it's genuine. it's nice, to hear that it isn't her fault. she doesn't think it is either, but sometimes - sometimes, she wonders. she wonders what she must have done to deserve being given up as sacrifice. what she must've done to finally feel like it was worth it to live, and then have that taken from her.]
Fate is a tricky thing, I think. [she says, tracing her fingers along the books.] There are always multiple paths a story can take. My story started with a curse, but...
It led me here. It let me experience all of this. I met you, and Haru, and Nahri, Vash, Wolfwood. I think that I can be okay with that.
[ That's a sweet sentiment, and one he feels too. He'd only been with everyone for a short time, but he was more than grateful for the bonds he'd been able to build. ]
I'm glad. [ He gives her a smile, pulling a random book off the shelf just to have something to do, placated by her words but still... frustrated. Angry.
He'd always been the type to pick at things rather than let them heal. ]
I don't think there would be an answer that makes sense. Grief is... dangerous. [ He shuffles a little awkwardly. ] Things happen that make no sense, and you try to find a reason for all the pain that you're feeling.
... Yes. [she glances at him.] I have felt that a few times, here. Every time the dead were announced on the living side, I have felt so much that I almost could not contain it.
[a pause, and then she reaches over to put her hand on his arm.]
You do know how much your death affected people, right? This isn't to make you feel guilty, but I think you should know how much of an impact you had.
[ He blinks at her, not expecting the touch or the words that follow. It leaves him silent a moment, something warm in his chest—gratitude toward all the people he'd met, Shenhe included, and their kindness.
He's not sure how to accept it, but he believes her, and values that she made the effort to share this sentiment with him. ]
... Thanks.
[ He meets her gaze with a small smile. ]
I'm really glad we met, Shenhe. I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.
[actually he can have this as a memory in return - it's short and simple.
When you were first brought to Mt. Hulao, you wouldn't speak.
You didn't feel like it was necessary. There was nothing to say. Nothing that could express how bad you felt. The only thing that felt worth it was the sea of clouds among the mountains. You liked to climb to the peak and watch them lazily float by. Your mind empties this way - you don't have to think of the monster that still haunts you. You don't have to think about the way it stalked you across the floor, the way it laughed when you screamed, the way --
You watch the clouds. You sleep when you're tired. You drink the dew of the mountains when thirsty, and chew on a few stalks of Qingxin when hungry. This is your existence for weeks.
The adepti that rescued you from the cave floor watches you, sometimes, and you ignore her. She's a beautiful, graceful crane, and her voice annoys you sometimes. But she doesn't bother you for the most part. Until one day, she approaches you with a comb.
It's very pretty. White jade, made from a sacred stone. Cloud Retainer, the crane adepti, tells you that should you brush your hair thrice with this comb, it would be counted as a rite of apprenticeship. You would sever your ties with the mortal world, and enter adeptal tutelage.
Without hesitation, you do exactly as the adeptus says. You don't want this, you don't want to be mortal, you don't want to be human. You still will be, but anything you can do to distance yourself from this, you want. And as you start to brush your hair, something strange happens. The jade comb strokes once, from root to tip - and a frosty silver color shivers down from the top to bottom, replacing the black.
On the second brush, but half your hair remains dark. And when you finish, only a flowing curtain of snow is left.
[ ... Oh. It still strikes Rin as tragic, to see Shenhe in that memory—haunted, a survivor, and the stark contrast to the girl she was before her father left her in that cave.
He's not the type to be forward with touch, but his fingers brush the crook of her arm, tilting his head closer to look at her hair more closely. ]
That explains it. [ And then looking back at her. ] That was a beautiful crane.
[aw, rin. she rests her hand on top of his briefly, to let him know she's okay with it. when he looks - it is silver! there's a bit of black at the very end, though.]
That was Cloud Retainer. My master. [kind of mom.]
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That is good advice. [ Thanks, Wolfwood. ] I know that I want to swim with Haru again.
... That's not new. But looking forward to it does make experiencing everything else more more exciting.
[ Wow, that's kind of embarrassing. He clears his throat. ]
What was he telling you to experience?
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... Everything. [she says, tilting her head back.] Food, music, people. My life before here was restrained. I thought that it had to be, so I avoided temptations, or things that I would miss too much.
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She's mentioned it before, trying to cut off her emotions, so he looks curious. ]
... Because people were afraid you'd be violent? Is that because of what you said about being considered bad luck?
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he says this, though, and it's such a good lead in so. here you go, bonks you with a memory as shenhe starts to speak:
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How someone six years-old could endure all that and survive.
He's both disoriented and nauseous when the book store comes back around them, heart thudding. ]
... Why would he- [ He looks right at her, brows drawn together. ] How could he do something like that?
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There was nothing, no one, that he loved more than his wife. [she says, looking away.] She died of sickness, but because of what was foretold about me, he always thought it was my fault.
[she fiddles with the books on the shelves.]
It may have been. I'm still not sure.
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He had no right. He had no idea what he was missing. ]
People are always looking for someone or something to blame—I blamed Haru for my struggles with swimming, I'd know. It's... not your fault.
[ He bites his lip a moment. ]
... I'm sorry. That he left you like that.
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[she says, first, looking up at him. it's genuine. it's nice, to hear that it isn't her fault. she doesn't think it is either, but sometimes - sometimes, she wonders. she wonders what she must have done to deserve being given up as sacrifice. what she must've done to finally feel like it was worth it to live, and then have that taken from her.]
Fate is a tricky thing, I think. [she says, tracing her fingers along the books.] There are always multiple paths a story can take. My story started with a curse, but...
It led me here. It let me experience all of this. I met you, and Haru, and Nahri, Vash, Wolfwood. I think that I can be okay with that.
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I'm glad. [ He gives her a smile, pulling a random book off the shelf just to have something to do, placated by her words but still... frustrated. Angry.
He'd always been the type to pick at things rather than let them heal. ]
Did you ever see him again?
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No. Shortly after he left me there, he hung himself. [she says this so flatly.] I would have nothing to say to him, anyway.
[her fingers twitch on the covers.]
Well. No, I suppose that isn't true. I think I'd want to ask him why. [...] So many people have asked me why, and I have no answer for them.
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I don't think there would be an answer that makes sense. Grief is... dangerous. [ He shuffles a little awkwardly. ] Things happen that make no sense, and you try to find a reason for all the pain that you're feeling.
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... Yes. [she glances at him.] I have felt that a few times, here. Every time the dead were announced on the living side, I have felt so much that I almost could not contain it.
[a pause, and then she reaches over to put her hand on his arm.]
You do know how much your death affected people, right? This isn't to make you feel guilty, but I think you should know how much of an impact you had.
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He's not sure how to accept it, but he believes her, and values that she made the effort to share this sentiment with him. ]
... Thanks.
[ He meets her gaze with a small smile. ]
I'm really glad we met, Shenhe. I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.
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she smiles a little, when he gives her one. it's small, but she's been practicing!]
I am glad we met, too. [she brings that hand up to push his hair out of his face.] And I am glad you think of me as a friend.
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She's so mom, he looks a little pleased at the touch. ]
Think of? Does that mean we aren't actually?
[ He's teasing.
Also, while we're here, have another memory. It's not important, I just need everyone to look at Rin's perfect little sister. ]
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Your... sister? You have a sibling. [ohhh this is so cute... shenhe tilts her head a little.] She looks like you.
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Yeah, Gou. The two of us and my mom have a pretty strong family resemblance because of our hair. [ anime red
he looks curious, hesitant to bring it up but... ]
Your hair used to be black?
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shenhe huffs.]
... Yes. It used to be black.
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He's not the type to be forward with touch, but his fingers brush the crook of her arm, tilting his head closer to look at her hair more closely. ]
That explains it. [ And then looking back at her. ] That was a beautiful crane.
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That was Cloud Retainer. My master. [kind of mom.]