[he smiles a little bit, a little sheepish but... well, he doesn't want to hide anything from rin]
To be with the rest of the Gou swords, all together. There's a lot of us, you know, but even those named as important artifacts, there's about eight. Right now, six of us are summoned - so we were waiting for the other two before Matsu and I ended up here.
... but even if we go home and the last two are summoned, it won't last forever. When the war is over, and humanity is safe, there won't be a need for us anymore... so some of us will probably go back to the museums they're housed in—while others like me will disappear.
[he flexes his hand experimentally, like trying to reassure himself that at least for now he still has this body.]
But that sort of thing isn't something I get to control.
[oh. hm. he pauses for a moment, apprehensive as he's thinking of something else before he lets the words come out - ]
... because some items, even if they're called treasures, can be lost to history. Buzen Gou is one. When you make it back to Japan—you can visit the others. Matsu, Kuwa, Kotegiri.... but I don't have a blade that's been recovered. Or much history to follow, even though I'm a Gou sword.
So when this mission is done, and I lose this body and heart... I might not really exist anymore. Ah - but don't be sad though! I think as long as someone or something is remembered, they still exist.
[offering up a smile and a solution automatically, because it's the same bandaid that buzen puts on his problems as always to try to manage his feelings about it]
But it's okay! If you want impossible things. You can keep wanting them, and trying to achieve them, no matter what. Otherwise what's a life without wishing and dreaming big?
[ That is not what he expected. He isn't sure what he expected; it's not like any one answer would be better than the others, but sometimes he forgets that Buzen and Matsui aren't really... this. Physical flesh and blood.
It feels obvious, the way Buzen explains it, but he doesn't understand why this has to be the conclusion Buzen's story. ]
Can't whatever power summoned you in the first place... Keep that from happening? They must be pretty strong?
[he looks thoughtful about it. it probably could? but the issue at hand is - ]
... but I don't know if the people above us, the ones who summoned us at all, will agree to that. [there have been enough times where they've decided that swords are disposable, but he thinks that's a little too upsetting to bring up to rin]
The mission is to protect humanity. It's not really about us. We're just the tools to accomplish that goal.
[ He frowns, clearly displeased with that answer. ]
Oh. [ He understands, in the sense that he's seen movies with villains like this, but it still lodges a thorn of irritation in his chest. A feeling that he knows won't have any solutions. ] I just.
I don't think the people who care about you will be satisfied with your memory. [ Then, he hesitates. ] Sorry. I'm don't want to make you feel... bad.
[ah... well, he just smiles faintly at that, fond.]
You don't. If anything... it's nice to hear, that maybe someone will miss me. Or that I'd be wanted as more than a memory.
[buzen is confident in a lot of situations, but confidence is different from having much of an ego. he considers him inherently forgettable, in the way that history has forgotten him.]
So... thanks, Rin.
[also it's late but i realized i never gave you a memshare so take this one spoon it's not paraiso so you don't have to retcon cyoa,,
You’re a traveler, and to these people, that’s all you’ll ever be. You speak with this man who doesn’t need to introduce himself - you know exactly who he is. Ota Dokan, the architect of Edo Castle, which withstood the tests of time and war to remain strong and steadfast into this modern day. You talk to him about all the beautiful things this world has to offer, and feel your heart warm knowing this person exists. He doesn’t ask your name, not that you would give it anyway.
(Not that it would matter. The Buzen Gou is already lost to history.)
You watch him join the men in building his creation, and promise them a grand feast at the end of their labor. It makes laughter spill from your lips before you can even stop it, and when Ame comes to get you, it almost feels too short. You say your farewells, and tuck this serendipitous little meeting into your heart. You hope that you don’t meet again.
Your friend is brought to his knees in a fight—and is just barely saved. Monstrous creatures come to his rescue and set him free. As the fighting dies down, it quickly becomes obvious to you as you step on the scene. On this day, Ota Dokan could survive. He could walk out of this battleground, and build so many more grand sights. He could help so many more people. He could enjoy life.
Your blade ends that dream abruptly. You cannot allow that to happen.
Ame—beloved, darling Ame who you treasure so dearly—tries to take on this responsibility from you. But Ame is different from you. Ame has never raised his blade against the very same humans that you’re sworn to protect. So you laugh it off, you tell him not to think about it, even though your inconvenient heart is beating painfully in your chest. Even though you understand a little bit more, why Tsuru-san said ‘you can’t complete missions like this unless you hate yourself’. Maybe you’re starting to learn to hate yourself. No, you can’t let him feel this. You can’t let any of the others feel this, for as long as you’re able.
You should be the only twisted blade that knows what it’s like to cut down the very same people you adore. You should be the only liar. ]
The memory starts sweet. The kind of thing that Rin would expect from Buzen; a show of friendship, thoughtless kindness that glows bright despite how small it may seem.
But the scene changes quickly. Almost too quickly for him to follow; an attack, creatures, and a greeting barely out of the man's mouth before Buzen's blade sinks into his body without a hint of hesitation. Pain strikes at his chest—not his own—and when the scene disappears back into the concrete of Shibuya around them, Rin's eyes are wide with confusion. ]
it's automatic then - buzen takes a step back, and he brings his hands up to either side of his head and away from his sword. a clear show of non-aggression, because he knows how that memory looks and he doesn't want to scare anyone. he wonders if rin will change his mind from the sentiment he just said. (well, he wouldn't blame him.)
he tries to find the words to explain, but he frowns.]
well he'll let his hands be taken, even if he's a little surprised by it. even now, he's taken off guard when people don't seem to be all that bothered when he demonstrates that he is truly a blade.]
... yeah. I mean - it sounds just like pretty words to justify it but...
Yeah. We're supposed to protect humanity, so if we have to harm them along the way... the reason has to be pretty... big, you know?
[ He doesn't think it's pretty words. He doesn't even think it's right or wrong. Tough decisions don't often come with black and white morality, that is, at least, something he's starting to realize.
He gives Buzen's hands a squeeze before letting go. ]
I'm sorry. It hurt you and... you couldn't show it.
[the sentiment surprises him a little bit, and he manages to find a smile again - it's weak, but sincere.]
... it's easier this way. I'd rather take those things on myself. It's difficult, sometimes it feels impossible to raise a blade against people you like, or even just relate to.
So maybe it's lucky then... if I don't have a history.
[actually it's just two painful things but he's trying to logic his way through it, even though buzen truly isn't that smart]
[ Rin's not entirely sure how the two are related, and even if there was some logic to it, he doesn't think that he'd accept it. ]
There's nothing easy about it from where I'm standing. [ ... ] But I get that it's easier to pretend it doesn't hurt.
[ He gets it, and he doesn't have a right answer that would ease any of the burden that Buzen carries. He just glances away a moment before looking back at him, hesitating another second before putting a hand on his head. ]
It's not fair that you should have to do that... You deserve to show that you're in pain. And you deserve a history too.
[he'll accept the hand on his head, even though he looks slightly perplexed about it. but in the end, he also just smiles faintly in response. it's a touching sentiment, at least.]
... it's okay.
There are some things that are out of my hands. The missions that I get assigned on, or the history that I don't have... Those are in the care of humans.
I know that. I accept that. I... don't think I get to want more than what I get.
[ A frown tugs at his lips, frustrated at hearing Buzen say that, but he tries to keep it off his expression, instead furrowing his brows like he doesn't quite understand. ]
Partly, at least. Like I said, I'm always going to want impossible things. But at the end of our missions, I might be gone and unless they find my sword somewhere... that history is always going to be uncertain.
It's kind of you to want better for me, Rin... but most of humanity has already decided that I'm expendable.
[he looks thoughtful for a little bit, before he explains - ]
[ angry, ] You're not expendable. No one is expendable.
[ his hands tighten into fists, getting angrier. he is just an angry guy. ]
You're not an object to use and discard—neither of you. Anyone with a heart deserves the chance to exist and be happy. Is your history so important? Can't you live for the future instead?
[ so worked up, he doesn't even let buzen reply. ]
[ The tense line of his shoulders relaxes just a bit, and he glances away. He understands. He gets the significance of the weight on Buzen and Matsui's shoulders but, at the same time... It's not enough to appease him.
Sacrifices have to be made, that's what he's learned during his time here, but there are some things... Some things that shouldn't be surrendered. ]
I know. [ He purses his lips. ] But it's hard to accept that you aren't able to enjoy it too.
... I guess. For now, we can only try to make good memories here while we can. I don't think it's enough, but.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But at least now he tries to keep from quitting because of it.
He tilts his head. ]
What do you want?
no subject
To be with the rest of the Gou swords, all together. There's a lot of us, you know, but even those named as important artifacts, there's about eight. Right now, six of us are summoned - so we were waiting for the other two before Matsu and I ended up here.
... but even if we go home and the last two are summoned, it won't last forever. When the war is over, and humanity is safe, there won't be a need for us anymore... so some of us will probably go back to the museums they're housed in—while others like me will disappear.
[he flexes his hand experimentally, like trying to reassure himself that at least for now he still has this body.]
But that sort of thing isn't something I get to control.
no subject
... Why would you disappear?
no subject
... because some items, even if they're called treasures, can be lost to history. Buzen Gou is one. When you make it back to Japan—you can visit the others. Matsu, Kuwa, Kotegiri.... but I don't have a blade that's been recovered. Or much history to follow, even though I'm a Gou sword.
So when this mission is done, and I lose this body and heart... I might not really exist anymore. Ah - but don't be sad though! I think as long as someone or something is remembered, they still exist.
[offering up a smile and a solution automatically, because it's the same bandaid that buzen puts on his problems as always to try to manage his feelings about it]
But it's okay! If you want impossible things. You can keep wanting them, and trying to achieve them, no matter what. Otherwise what's a life without wishing and dreaming big?
no subject
It feels obvious, the way Buzen explains it, but he doesn't understand why this has to be the conclusion Buzen's story. ]
Can't whatever power summoned you in the first place... Keep that from happening? They must be pretty strong?
no subject
[he looks thoughtful about it. it probably could? but the issue at hand is - ]
... but I don't know if the people above us, the ones who summoned us at all, will agree to that. [there have been enough times where they've decided that swords are disposable, but he thinks that's a little too upsetting to bring up to rin]
The mission is to protect humanity. It's not really about us. We're just the tools to accomplish that goal.
no subject
Oh. [ He understands, in the sense that he's seen movies with villains like this, but it still lodges a thorn of irritation in his chest. A feeling that he knows won't have any solutions. ] I just.
I don't think the people who care about you will be satisfied with your memory. [ Then, he hesitates. ] Sorry. I'm don't want to make you feel... bad.
no subject
You don't. If anything... it's nice to hear, that maybe someone will miss me. Or that I'd be wanted as more than a memory.
[buzen is confident in a lot of situations, but confidence is different from having much of an ego. he considers him inherently forgettable, in the way that history has forgotten him.]
So... thanks, Rin.
[also it's late but i realized i never gave you a memshare so take this one spoon it's not paraiso so you don't have to retcon cyoa,,
no subject
The memory starts sweet. The kind of thing that Rin would expect from Buzen; a show of friendship, thoughtless kindness that glows bright despite how small it may seem.
But the scene changes quickly. Almost too quickly for him to follow; an attack, creatures, and a greeting barely out of the man's mouth before Buzen's blade sinks into his body without a hint of hesitation. Pain strikes at his chest—not his own—and when the scene disappears back into the concrete of Shibuya around them, Rin's eyes are wide with confusion. ]
I- why did you...?
no subject
it's automatic then - buzen takes a step back, and he brings his hands up to either side of his head and away from his sword. a clear show of non-aggression, because he knows how that memory looks and he doesn't want to scare anyone. he wonders if rin will change his mind from the sentiment he just said. (well, he wouldn't blame him.)
he tries to find the words to explain, but he frowns.]
... I had to. That was the mission requirement.
no subject
But you didn't want to.
[ That much is obvious. ]
no subject
... of course not. We never want to kill humans.
But... sometimes we have to.
no subject
... For the greater good?
no subject
well he'll let his hands be taken, even if he's a little surprised by it. even now, he's taken off guard when people don't seem to be all that bothered when he demonstrates that he is truly a blade.]
... yeah. I mean - it sounds just like pretty words to justify it but...
Yeah. We're supposed to protect humanity, so if we have to harm them along the way... the reason has to be pretty... big, you know?
no subject
He gives Buzen's hands a squeeze before letting go. ]
I'm sorry. It hurt you and... you couldn't show it.
no subject
... it's easier this way. I'd rather take those things on myself. It's difficult, sometimes it feels impossible to raise a blade against people you like, or even just relate to.
So maybe it's lucky then... if I don't have a history.
[actually it's just two painful things but he's trying to logic his way through it, even though buzen truly isn't that smart]
no subject
There's nothing easy about it from where I'm standing. [ ... ] But I get that it's easier to pretend it doesn't hurt.
[ He gets it, and he doesn't have a right answer that would ease any of the burden that Buzen carries. He just glances away a moment before looking back at him, hesitating another second before putting a hand on his head. ]
It's not fair that you should have to do that... You deserve to show that you're in pain. And you deserve a history too.
no subject
... it's okay.
There are some things that are out of my hands. The missions that I get assigned on, or the history that I don't have... Those are in the care of humans.
I know that. I accept that. I... don't think I get to want more than what I get.
no subject
Why not? Because you're a sword?
no subject
Partly, at least. Like I said, I'm always going to want impossible things. But at the end of our missions, I might be gone and unless they find my sword somewhere... that history is always going to be uncertain.
It's kind of you to want better for me, Rin... but most of humanity has already decided that I'm expendable.
[he looks thoughtful for a little bit, before he explains - ]
It's why I got erased here, after all.
no subject
[ his hands tighten into fists, getting angrier. he is just an angry guy. ]
You're not an object to use and discard—neither of you. Anyone with a heart deserves the chance to exist and be happy. Is your history so important? Can't you live for the future instead?
[ so worked up, he doesn't even let buzen reply. ]
Even if you don't believe me...
[ he's RIGHT ]
no subject
I believe you. I get it. I think that it's important to have those moments of happiness too.
... but history is important, because without history, there is no future. And I want to protect history, so you can have a better future.
You know?
no subject
Sacrifices have to be made, that's what he's learned during his time here, but there are some things... Some things that shouldn't be surrendered. ]
I know. [ He purses his lips. ] But it's hard to accept that you aren't able to enjoy it too.
... I guess. For now, we can only try to make good memories here while we can. I don't think it's enough, but.