it's automatic then - buzen takes a step back, and he brings his hands up to either side of his head and away from his sword. a clear show of non-aggression, because he knows how that memory looks and he doesn't want to scare anyone. he wonders if rin will change his mind from the sentiment he just said. (well, he wouldn't blame him.)
he tries to find the words to explain, but he frowns.]
well he'll let his hands be taken, even if he's a little surprised by it. even now, he's taken off guard when people don't seem to be all that bothered when he demonstrates that he is truly a blade.]
... yeah. I mean - it sounds just like pretty words to justify it but...
Yeah. We're supposed to protect humanity, so if we have to harm them along the way... the reason has to be pretty... big, you know?
[ He doesn't think it's pretty words. He doesn't even think it's right or wrong. Tough decisions don't often come with black and white morality, that is, at least, something he's starting to realize.
He gives Buzen's hands a squeeze before letting go. ]
I'm sorry. It hurt you and... you couldn't show it.
[the sentiment surprises him a little bit, and he manages to find a smile again - it's weak, but sincere.]
... it's easier this way. I'd rather take those things on myself. It's difficult, sometimes it feels impossible to raise a blade against people you like, or even just relate to.
So maybe it's lucky then... if I don't have a history.
[actually it's just two painful things but he's trying to logic his way through it, even though buzen truly isn't that smart]
[ Rin's not entirely sure how the two are related, and even if there was some logic to it, he doesn't think that he'd accept it. ]
There's nothing easy about it from where I'm standing. [ ... ] But I get that it's easier to pretend it doesn't hurt.
[ He gets it, and he doesn't have a right answer that would ease any of the burden that Buzen carries. He just glances away a moment before looking back at him, hesitating another second before putting a hand on his head. ]
It's not fair that you should have to do that... You deserve to show that you're in pain. And you deserve a history too.
[he'll accept the hand on his head, even though he looks slightly perplexed about it. but in the end, he also just smiles faintly in response. it's a touching sentiment, at least.]
... it's okay.
There are some things that are out of my hands. The missions that I get assigned on, or the history that I don't have... Those are in the care of humans.
I know that. I accept that. I... don't think I get to want more than what I get.
[ A frown tugs at his lips, frustrated at hearing Buzen say that, but he tries to keep it off his expression, instead furrowing his brows like he doesn't quite understand. ]
Partly, at least. Like I said, I'm always going to want impossible things. But at the end of our missions, I might be gone and unless they find my sword somewhere... that history is always going to be uncertain.
It's kind of you to want better for me, Rin... but most of humanity has already decided that I'm expendable.
[he looks thoughtful for a little bit, before he explains - ]
[ angry, ] You're not expendable. No one is expendable.
[ his hands tighten into fists, getting angrier. he is just an angry guy. ]
You're not an object to use and discard—neither of you. Anyone with a heart deserves the chance to exist and be happy. Is your history so important? Can't you live for the future instead?
[ so worked up, he doesn't even let buzen reply. ]
[ The tense line of his shoulders relaxes just a bit, and he glances away. He understands. He gets the significance of the weight on Buzen and Matsui's shoulders but, at the same time... It's not enough to appease him.
Sacrifices have to be made, that's what he's learned during his time here, but there are some things... Some things that shouldn't be surrendered. ]
I know. [ He purses his lips. ] But it's hard to accept that you aren't able to enjoy it too.
... I guess. For now, we can only try to make good memories here while we can. I don't think it's enough, but.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
it's automatic then - buzen takes a step back, and he brings his hands up to either side of his head and away from his sword. a clear show of non-aggression, because he knows how that memory looks and he doesn't want to scare anyone. he wonders if rin will change his mind from the sentiment he just said. (well, he wouldn't blame him.)
he tries to find the words to explain, but he frowns.]
... I had to. That was the mission requirement.
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But you didn't want to.
[ That much is obvious. ]
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... of course not. We never want to kill humans.
But... sometimes we have to.
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... For the greater good?
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well he'll let his hands be taken, even if he's a little surprised by it. even now, he's taken off guard when people don't seem to be all that bothered when he demonstrates that he is truly a blade.]
... yeah. I mean - it sounds just like pretty words to justify it but...
Yeah. We're supposed to protect humanity, so if we have to harm them along the way... the reason has to be pretty... big, you know?
no subject
He gives Buzen's hands a squeeze before letting go. ]
I'm sorry. It hurt you and... you couldn't show it.
no subject
... it's easier this way. I'd rather take those things on myself. It's difficult, sometimes it feels impossible to raise a blade against people you like, or even just relate to.
So maybe it's lucky then... if I don't have a history.
[actually it's just two painful things but he's trying to logic his way through it, even though buzen truly isn't that smart]
no subject
There's nothing easy about it from where I'm standing. [ ... ] But I get that it's easier to pretend it doesn't hurt.
[ He gets it, and he doesn't have a right answer that would ease any of the burden that Buzen carries. He just glances away a moment before looking back at him, hesitating another second before putting a hand on his head. ]
It's not fair that you should have to do that... You deserve to show that you're in pain. And you deserve a history too.
no subject
... it's okay.
There are some things that are out of my hands. The missions that I get assigned on, or the history that I don't have... Those are in the care of humans.
I know that. I accept that. I... don't think I get to want more than what I get.
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Why not? Because you're a sword?
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Partly, at least. Like I said, I'm always going to want impossible things. But at the end of our missions, I might be gone and unless they find my sword somewhere... that history is always going to be uncertain.
It's kind of you to want better for me, Rin... but most of humanity has already decided that I'm expendable.
[he looks thoughtful for a little bit, before he explains - ]
It's why I got erased here, after all.
no subject
[ his hands tighten into fists, getting angrier. he is just an angry guy. ]
You're not an object to use and discard—neither of you. Anyone with a heart deserves the chance to exist and be happy. Is your history so important? Can't you live for the future instead?
[ so worked up, he doesn't even let buzen reply. ]
Even if you don't believe me...
[ he's RIGHT ]
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I believe you. I get it. I think that it's important to have those moments of happiness too.
... but history is important, because without history, there is no future. And I want to protect history, so you can have a better future.
You know?
no subject
Sacrifices have to be made, that's what he's learned during his time here, but there are some things... Some things that shouldn't be surrendered. ]
I know. [ He purses his lips. ] But it's hard to accept that you aren't able to enjoy it too.
... I guess. For now, we can only try to make good memories here while we can. I don't think it's enough, but.