No? Sometimes, it's worth it to have a few more moments with the people you love. You can choose to doom everyone and yourself because you won't let history force your hand. I don't think that's wrong, if that's more important to you.
[ she thinks it's better to be self-aware about it. you can do so many great atrocious things and lambda may not agree or like them all, but she'd accept it as long as you acknowledge your actions for what they are.
it's not about morals. it's about what's significant to you. ]
If they're going to die, how they die is still a choice, even if the choice is terrible and seems like an illusion of one. You're killing them either way, but there's enough of a distinction.
[ He listens to her quietly, so wrapped up in thoughts of strength and power. Of being able to make hard decisions.
But the more he listens, the more he thinks that she's right. Even if the end result is the same, the moments in between are precious. ]
... If they're going to die, then I wouldn't want their last moments to be afraid. Especially not of me. [ They trusted him, and that, at least, is a comfort. If barely. ] Even knowing what the other option is, I don't think I could ever do it.
If that's what makes you you, that's fine, isn't it?
[ he's rin matsuoka, a swimmer from japan, not rin matsuoka, touken danshi. she doesn't expect him to have the same kind of strengths buzen and matsui has. does she think he's weak? yes, but he's human. ]
Things won't be as easy as they used to be, but it gives you perspective. It makes you cherish what you have more. You're haunted and you might have nightmares for a long time, but at least you can keep true to yourself.
[ she can't promise he'll be okay, but she can tell him what she thinks is true. ]
[ There's something about hearing her say—maybe because he knows, bone deep, that she wouldn't go out of her way to spare his feelings—that it's enough for him to be himself that lifts a weight off his chest. That breaks down the guilt, shame and insecurities eating away at him.
It's not perfect, but it's fine. ]
... Thanks, I.
[ Confidence week will have him leaning over to pull her into a hug, but logic will make him stop before he does because they're not that close yet.
[ she doesn't think he's the worst or most annoying kind of human, congrats. he's tried to understand the nonhumans enough and acknowledged their feelings enough without being condescending or terrible about it, so she can tolerate and come around to try to understand him, too.
it's because she does see that he's trying, and that's more than she's seen a lot of people do.
she does stare from behind her sunglasses when he leans forward. she has no idea what he was about to do because it doesn't occur to her that it'd occur to him to do that. ]
[ He thinks that's true. He's not sure if she's trying to make him feel better, or just talking to him logically and him feeling better is an unintended side effect.
He's not going to presume that she cares about him, but he hopes it might be a little of the former. ]
Still, you didn't have to talk to me.
[ He smiles a little. ]
You should do rounds. You might make the others feel better too.
and well, why else would haru have been asking about australia? she's really saying all this to him on the day he got super traumataized. i'm so sorry, rin. ]
He hesitates a moment, ] I don't want everyone to realize. I was great as a kid. Good with people, good at swimming. My family and my friends really believed I could become something great.
... I don't want them to realize they were wrong. I'm nothing great.
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The Shimabara Rebellion. The Shogunate forces killed nearly 40,000 people.
... Matsui and Buzen were there too.
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[ she knows enough of history to understand what had to have happened, at least the gist of it.
it's too much for someone as normal as rin, for someone from as peaceful a time and world as him. ]
What side were you part of?
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[ He laces his fingers together, staring at his hands. ]
... What do you think the right thing to do would've been, in that situation?
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I don't think much about right or wrong, but if it's anything like what I'm used to, if you didn't help course correct, you'd end up dooming everyone.
[ which she knows is bad to a lot of people. ]
It depends on what your priorities are.
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I think it comes down to how strong you are. How logical you can be.
[ neither of which he excels in. at least, not outside of swimming. ]
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[ she thinks it's better to be self-aware about it. you can do so many great atrocious things and lambda may not agree or like them all, but she'd accept it as long as you acknowledge your actions for what they are.
it's not about morals. it's about what's significant to you. ]
If they're going to die, how they die is still a choice, even if the choice is terrible and seems like an illusion of one. You're killing them either way, but there's enough of a distinction.
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But the more he listens, the more he thinks that she's right. Even if the end result is the same, the moments in between are precious. ]
... If they're going to die, then I wouldn't want their last moments to be afraid. Especially not of me. [ They trusted him, and that, at least, is a comfort. If barely. ] Even knowing what the other option is, I don't think I could ever do it.
But it's still hard to live with.
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[ he's rin matsuoka, a swimmer from japan, not rin matsuoka, touken danshi. she doesn't expect him to have the same kind of strengths buzen and matsui has. does she think he's weak? yes, but he's human. ]
Things won't be as easy as they used to be, but it gives you perspective. It makes you cherish what you have more. You're haunted and you might have nightmares for a long time, but at least you can keep true to yourself.
[ she can't promise he'll be okay, but she can tell him what she thinks is true. ]
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It's not perfect, but it's fine. ]
... Thanks, I.
[ Confidence week will have him leaning over to pull her into a hug, but logic will make him stop before he does because they're not that close yet.
So he just fixes her with a smile instead. ]
I appreciate you saying that.
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it's because she does see that he's trying, and that's more than she's seen a lot of people do.
she does stare from behind her sunglasses when he leans forward. she has no idea what he was about to do because it doesn't occur to her that it'd occur to him to do that. ]
It's what I think. Nothing more, nothing less.
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He's not going to presume that she cares about him, but he hopes it might be a little of the former. ]
Still, you didn't have to talk to me.
[ He smiles a little. ]
You should do rounds. You might make the others feel better too.
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It's not my intention to make all of you feel better.
[ it's not like she cares or anything. ]
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I wish I could make people feel better without trying...
[ He's teasing. A little. ]
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[ she is teasing. a lot. ]
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Where did you hear about that anyway?
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[ she really threw it out on a lark.
and well, why else would haru have been asking about australia? she's really saying all this to him on the day he got super traumataized. i'm so sorry, rin. ]
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Oh, right. [ ... ] I went there to train, it wasn't running away.
... But. I do run away a lot, I guess.
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[ the way he talked about his frustrations... she doesn't know him the best or understand him super well, but she can hazard some guesses. ]
What are you so afraid of, Rin?
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He hesitates a moment, ] I don't want everyone to realize. I was great as a kid. Good with people, good at swimming. My family and my friends really believed I could become something great.
... I don't want them to realize they were wrong. I'm nothing great.
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[ it's a little hard for her to relate or understand because she really has so much self-confidence. her perspective is self-absorbed in this way. ]
How do you define being great?
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but no, he thinks about it. ]
Someone smart enough to be able to piece together evidence whenever we have a trial. Or who knows how to comfort people when they're struggling.
Someone who could erase others to try and save us all, instead of running away.
[ okay, he referenced haru a little bit ]
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You can do the first as well as anyone else here. I don't know about the second, but that's not important to me.
And you were robbed of the chance to do the last, so you'll never know if you could step up to it.
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It's not important to you, so that's it? [ He seems amused. ] I know that I should stop beating myself up and focus on moving forward.
Some days it's easier than others.
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[ move on, yeah. it's a callous way to do things, but that's what she's like. ]
As long as you can move forward eventually, that's a starting point. All you have to do is start.