he'll take another step back - enough space to make him feel comfortable, to know that rin is out of arm's reach and he can't just reach out to strangle him so easily.]
They gave me a mission. [and he knows that rin understands the weight of that, to grasp the intensity that buzen takes those missions so seriously] And I... followed it.
[ His expression softens, and he wants to step closer because he's not used to Buzen being physically distant but— he doesn't want him to feel unsafe, remembering clearly still how he behaved after he'd returned. ]
Did they tell you why?
[ These things are designed to torture you. But even knowing that... ]
[buzen watches rin carefully - he doesn't move back but he also doesn't close the distance. it is uncomfortable for him right now, when he doesn't trust himself for his touch to not turn violent.]
Because of... what I was. It was harder to remember that I'm a sword, so instead I was a Gnosia whenever they assigned it to me.
And Gnosia... they erase humanity, because humans cause their own suffering. So that's what I had to do. It's what I did.
... I do a lot of things I don't like in the first place. I think I probably had a choice - even if it was a hard one. At the very least, I know I'd always choose the mission and duty first above all else...
So is it fair for me to regret something I would choose?
... Isn't it? I can't count how often I regret not having fought back against D that night. But that's what I chose, and even if you put me back there, I don't know that I'd choose differently.
[ He shakes his head. ]
And I've heard so many times that it's not my fault, because who I am and the life that I've lived before here, but isn't that the same for you then? You've had to make hard decisions over and over again, and you've had to bear it, knowing that your mission has a purpose. That in the end, you're still protecting something.
How could anyone blame you for holding onto that, especially in a situation designed to mess with your head?
Because the alternative is that they don't blame me for killing them—and I don't want to be told that my friends will let me kill them. I want them to live. Even if sometimes I'm the reason why they're gone, I want them to live.
[but that answer comes so fast, so sharply that buzen seems to wince right after.]
... but I don't want to take my frustration out on you.
I know that my emotions are - tougher than usual right now. I don't know what to do with a lot of them.
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no subject
[more for you all, than me
he'll take another step back - enough space to make him feel comfortable, to know that rin is out of arm's reach and he can't just reach out to strangle him so easily.]
They gave me a mission. [and he knows that rin understands the weight of that, to grasp the intensity that buzen takes those missions so seriously] And I... followed it.
But I think... maybe the mission was wrong.
[but I still followed it]
no subject
Why do you think it was wrong?
no subject
[and at the time, he followed through because it is ingrained in him to do so.
but now, when he is buzen the sword and not whatever he was in that other twisted place - he remembers his original mission to protect humanity.
. . .
it's just confusing when no matter what, i have to kill people]
no subject
Did they tell you why?
[ These things are designed to torture you. But even knowing that... ]
no subject
Because of... what I was. It was harder to remember that I'm a sword, so instead I was a Gnosia whenever they assigned it to me.
And Gnosia... they erase humanity, because humans cause their own suffering. So that's what I had to do. It's what I did.
no subject
You had no choice but to obey. That's how it works— it forces you follow its will.
[ He looks over at Buzen, knowing that it's not that easy to erase guilt and fear. But it's important to say. ]
Do you regret it?
no subject
... I do a lot of things I don't like in the first place. I think I probably had a choice - even if it was a hard one. At the very least, I know I'd always choose the mission and duty first above all else...
So is it fair for me to regret something I would choose?
no subject
[ He shakes his head. ]
And I've heard so many times that it's not my fault, because who I am and the life that I've lived before here, but isn't that the same for you then? You've had to make hard decisions over and over again, and you've had to bear it, knowing that your mission has a purpose. That in the end, you're still protecting something.
How could anyone blame you for holding onto that, especially in a situation designed to mess with your head?
no subject
[but that answer comes so fast, so sharply that buzen seems to wince right after.]
... but I don't want to take my frustration out on you.
I know that my emotions are - tougher than usual right now. I don't know what to do with a lot of them.