[ . . . . buzen doesn't know how much what he's going to say next will help. maybe it'll make things work. but it's the truth, and in the moments that he gets with people, he wants to be truthful.]
If the rest of you could return from the mission, then I believe it's worth it. I'm sure that me agreed.
[they died here. but if they made it back to the citadel, maybe they wouldn't have. because that's what all their weapons were for, right? themselves. maybe they could've gotten repaired.
but here - ]
We couldn't save you either... once you returned. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have gone through any of that at all.
[ It doesn't make things better, and it doesn't make things worse. It just... is, and if there's anything that Rin learned today it's how helpless he really is. He can't change anything, can't fix anything, can't save anyone.
It takes the anger and frustration out of him, usually so quick to flare up, and leaves exhaustion and defeat in its wake. ]
It's not. [ The words get tangled up in his throat, nothing feeling right. ] I don't know what to do.
[ . . . what do you do? there are a couple responses to it. matsui is an example of one, so destroyed by his guilt that he is basically a bundle of trauma wrapped in his glorious coat. tsuru, that merciless psychopath who buzen so admires, is an example of another, proceeding onward even when everyone else is falling apart.
what does buzen do?]
... I hold onto the people I love. I know nothing will erase what I've done, or make it better.
But I remember that none of us went through it alone. And sometimes, in those darkest moments when you don't feel like you can forgive yourself, at least you can sit through it with someone else.
[if it is still that dark hour before dawn, shall we wait for morning together?]
[ That makes sense. That Buzen would hold the people to him close. It suits him, and Rin does desperately hope that he's always surrounded by love. He's a little terrified to see that scene of him, broken and lifeless, again.
He's a little scared that one day Matsui and Buzen both might break from the weight of their missions; he can't imagine how they manage to keep moving forward with all this history at their heels.
Eyes shut, he tries to sift through his thoughts, tensing up a moment before drawing back and running a hand through his hair. ]
Thanks, I... just wanted to make sure you were okay. [ Because the last time he saw Buzen he was dead. ] That's all.
[well matsui is on the brink everyday of his life so that's a fair concern for rin
but buzen will just keep his hands on rin's upper arms, not quite letting go yet - ]
... Rin. That doesn't have to be all.
[and normally buzen doesn't push or try to argue back against people - but this is different. this is shimabara. this is the quiet sea, and buzen knows everything about how difficult those horrors are. and he thinks rin must've been the least equipped of everyone to face them.]
I'm okay... but are you okay? [a beat] I don't expect anyone to be, after that one.
[ Rin doesn't quite meet his gaze, looking toward the side as he tries to piece together how to respond. How exactly to articulate how he's feeling, but he's never been able to handle emotions with much grace. ]
I just...
[ A brief moment of frustration that he's in this position again. unloading his hurt onto another person. That here, like back on the battlefield, there's a yawning gap between who he is and who he wants to be. ]
I want to give up. [ He closes his eyes. ] I just... don't care anymore. I'm sorry.
[buzen's expression stutters for a moment - it's not that unfamiliar, matsui came back from that battle so entirely changed from who buzen knew him to be. if there's anything that could make someone lose their faith in humanity, it's shimabara.
but still.]
What are you talking about? What do you mean give up...?
[ The thing is that Rin's a quitter. He gives up when the going gets too hard; he gave up on swimming, he gave up on his friends, and he gave up on being happy, and none of that followed anything as difficult as what he saw today.
He'd wanted to give up when he first arrived here too. Tired and overwhelmed, but he had his team. They cared about him, and he hadn't wanted to let them down.
But he had, and he wonders if some people... just aren't meant to succeed. ]
I don't know. It's just that... [ It doesn't matter if he's okay. He doesn't matter.
His gaze snaps back to Buzen from where it had drifted up to the ceiling, realizing that he's probably alarming him. ]
... I think I'm just tired.
[ In the tone of, "we should probably go to sleep". ]
[the funny thing is that everyone who came out of this mission did so looking a little more familiar to buzen - in all the worst ways. because he knows these sentiments. he knows this heavy, heavy feeling. even though buzen himself did not walk out of shimabara mired with such absurd depression, it's only because he spent so much of his time supporting matsui through his.
sort of like how it feels now. he looks back to the room, but then he'll go to take rin's hand and start walking down the hallway. it's not like buzen gets to do history over. it goes against every fiber of his being.
but if he could have found some way to be more helpful to matsui back then, what would he have said? what can he say now?]
Let's go for a walk. Just humor me for a second, okay?
but the question coming back makes him look curious for a moment, but the explanation almost makes him laugh. he shakes his head.]
Matsu's first emotion during times like this is typically guilt, or some kind of sadness. Mine's anger. I worked that out while you were gone, because I'm not angry at anyone I can reach.
[so he couldn't just... punch the whole cyoa in the face.]
I'm really, really okay. [a beat] But I'm worried about you.
How come you want to give up? I mean... [he looks thoughtful, thinking back] I don't blame you if you're sad or upset or frustrated... that mission made me feel all of those things.
But that place is different from here. Just because you failed one of our missions doesn't mean that you did anything wrong... you're not a sword, Rin.
... Does that matter? [ He furrows his brows. ] Neither is D, and he.
[ He doesn't think it was easy. He knows it must've been hard for him, but D still worked so hard to follow orders. He believed in something, and stuck by it. ]
It just feels like an excuse. Everyone here is faced with hard decisions. Even Haru is... [ uh, killing people? ] pushing himself, because he wants to help everyone.
Of course it matters. I don't want you to be a sword. And Dee-san's a bad example - he has a duty of his own, so he's used to giving things up. Ah, I don't know how to explain it well but...
[he runs a hand through his hair, agitated and frustrated by his own lack of knowledge, but when he looks to rin, his eyes are clear.]
Matsu and I don't get to choose kindness or friendship over anything. And sometimes, it hurts Matsu so bad that he'd rather not exist than hurt people. For me, I - you saw it, you know? There are missions where swords have to kill their own masters. People who loved and cherished them, because that's what history says. It's our reality but it's not a happy one.
But you're not like us. You're a human - and you try so hard to choose mercy. And even if you don't believe me, I think that is a strength.
That's the kind of future I'd want for humanity. People like you are the reason why I do what I do. So I can believe that in the future, when people have a choice on the type of person they'd like to be... they end up more like you.
[ Rin listens, and he believes him. There's nothing about Buzen that seems dishonest, and he can really trust that he means it when he talks about the future that he wants. That future that makes the agony worth it—and he doesn't begrudge him for his actions.
When he'd first arrived at that coast, he'd wondered how anyone could follow through with such a mission, but he gets it.
It's just hard to internalize it. Feels too much still, like he's making excuses for himself. ]
It feels unfair that you have to bear that burden for someone else's future. [ He's just sharing that, he knows that part at least, isn't related to him. ] Don't you think it's unfair for us to be in a place like that and for me not to do as much as everyone else?
The unfair thing is that you were there at all. That they took pieces of our history - the worst of it - and tried to make you all endure it... but even more difficult. [he's heard of the way that their friends from home and here were pulled in. as if paraiso wasn't bad enough? damn, who would do that.]
... I'm upset the mission failed. I know what the world looks like after. It's even harder.
But what the hell did anyone expect to happen...? [his voice trembles with a barely restrained anger, a growl that he normally keeps locked up] Rang told me he ruined the mission. Shen-san thinks it's her fault too. It was hard on all of you, even if Dee-san won't let it show.
You all did your best. But the only way to succeed in that mission is to kill your heart. The expectation was too high.
[ He frowns when Buzen mentions the others blaming themselves, not surprised by it but at the same time wondering how they could possibly when they'd all tried— they'd all tried so hard.
On some, logical level he knows that Buzen is right; the expectations were too high. They should direct their anger toward the Game for dragging them into that situation—and for what? Just to torture them? Break their spirits? Wow, who would do that.
Still, it's hard to believe in this moment when the hurt is so fresh. It's hard to imagine that it'll ever stop hurting. But he'd thought that when D had first killed him too, hadn't he?
He lets Buzen's words sink in, quiet before he smiles a little. ]
The you in there thought I was pretty cool, you know.
[ It's a shift, because he believes Buzen. He really does. But he's not ready to forgive himself yet. But at least now it seems more possible than it had before. ]
but buzen tilts his head at that, and answers so honestly - ]
That sounds right. The me here thinks you're pretty cool too, after all.
[and he sounds so sincere about it? he really does admire rin... he thinks that as far as humans go, rin's probably one of the strongest. he has such a kind heart that can withstand so much, after all]
Mm. I'm happy for it too. We don't really get a chance to be this honest with people... so thank you, for receiving my honesty and still not changing your mind about me, Rin.
Even if we have to go on different paths once we leave here - I'll remember you. Make sure you accomplish your dreams so I can brag about you, okay?
Then... I'll be grateful. To even be remembered, then I'll always exist.
If you could... Matsu and some of the other Gous are out there for viewing sometimes at the museums they're in. The Matsui Gou, the Kuwana Gou, the Kotegiri Gou...
They'd be happy to see you. I worry they get lonely out there sometimes.
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If the rest of you could return from the mission, then I believe it's worth it. I'm sure that me agreed.
[they died here. but if they made it back to the citadel, maybe they wouldn't have. because that's what all their weapons were for, right? themselves. maybe they could've gotten repaired.
but here - ]
We couldn't save you either... once you returned. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have gone through any of that at all.
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It takes the anger and frustration out of him, usually so quick to flare up, and leaves exhaustion and defeat in its wake. ]
It's not. [ The words get tangled up in his throat, nothing feeling right. ] I don't know what to do.
What do you do?
[ After facing something so horrible? ]
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what does buzen do?]
... I hold onto the people I love. I know nothing will erase what I've done, or make it better.
But I remember that none of us went through it alone. And sometimes, in those darkest moments when you don't feel like you can forgive yourself, at least you can sit through it with someone else.
[if it is still that dark hour before dawn, shall we wait for morning together?]
I'll stay with you. As long as you need me to.
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He's a little scared that one day Matsui and Buzen both might break from the weight of their missions; he can't imagine how they manage to keep moving forward with all this history at their heels.
Eyes shut, he tries to sift through his thoughts, tensing up a moment before drawing back and running a hand through his hair. ]
Thanks, I... just wanted to make sure you were okay. [ Because the last time he saw Buzen he was dead. ] That's all.
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but buzen will just keep his hands on rin's upper arms, not quite letting go yet - ]
... Rin. That doesn't have to be all.
[and normally buzen doesn't push or try to argue back against people - but this is different. this is shimabara. this is the quiet sea, and buzen knows everything about how difficult those horrors are. and he thinks rin must've been the least equipped of everyone to face them.]
I'm okay... but are you okay? [a beat] I don't expect anyone to be, after that one.
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I just...
[ A brief moment of frustration that he's in this position again. unloading his hurt onto another person. That here, like back on the battlefield, there's a yawning gap between who he is and who he wants to be. ]
I want to give up. [ He closes his eyes. ] I just... don't care anymore. I'm sorry.
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but still.]
What are you talking about? What do you mean give up...?
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He'd wanted to give up when he first arrived here too. Tired and overwhelmed, but he had his team. They cared about him, and he hadn't wanted to let them down.
But he had, and he wonders if some people... just aren't meant to succeed. ]
I don't know. It's just that... [ It doesn't matter if he's okay. He doesn't matter.
His gaze snaps back to Buzen from where it had drifted up to the ceiling, realizing that he's probably alarming him. ]
... I think I'm just tired.
[ In the tone of, "we should probably go to sleep". ]
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sort of like how it feels now. he looks back to the room, but then he'll go to take rin's hand and start walking down the hallway. it's not like buzen gets to do history over. it goes against every fiber of his being.
but if he could have found some way to be more helpful to matsui back then, what would he have said? what can he say now?]
Let's go for a walk. Just humor me for a second, okay?
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Rin has no qualms with the suggestion however, tilting his head in slightly surprise at not expecting it, but ultimately nodding.
So they head out, and Rin tucks his hands into his pockets, looking up at the hazy, Shibuya night sky, feeling a bit calmer. This is familiar. ]
... Are you okay? [ He glances over at Buzen again. ] Matsui-san looked like he felt guilty, so.
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but the question coming back makes him look curious for a moment, but the explanation almost makes him laugh. he shakes his head.]
Matsu's first emotion during times like this is typically guilt, or some kind of sadness. Mine's anger. I worked that out while you were gone, because I'm not angry at anyone I can reach.
[so he couldn't just... punch the whole cyoa in the face.]
I'm really, really okay. [a beat] But I'm worried about you.
How come you want to give up? I mean... [he looks thoughtful, thinking back] I don't blame you if you're sad or upset or frustrated... that mission made me feel all of those things.
But that place is different from here. Just because you failed one of our missions doesn't mean that you did anything wrong... you're not a sword, Rin.
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... Does that matter? [ He furrows his brows. ] Neither is D, and he.
[ He doesn't think it was easy. He knows it must've been hard for him, but D still worked so hard to follow orders. He believed in something, and stuck by it. ]
It just feels like an excuse. Everyone here is faced with hard decisions. Even Haru is... [ uh, killing people? ] pushing himself, because he wants to help everyone.
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[he runs a hand through his hair, agitated and frustrated by his own lack of knowledge, but when he looks to rin, his eyes are clear.]
Matsu and I don't get to choose kindness or friendship over anything. And sometimes, it hurts Matsu so bad that he'd rather not exist than hurt people. For me, I - you saw it, you know? There are missions where swords have to kill their own masters. People who loved and cherished them, because that's what history says. It's our reality but it's not a happy one.
But you're not like us. You're a human - and you try so hard to choose mercy. And even if you don't believe me, I think that is a strength.
That's the kind of future I'd want for humanity. People like you are the reason why I do what I do. So I can believe that in the future, when people have a choice on the type of person they'd like to be... they end up more like you.
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When he'd first arrived at that coast, he'd wondered how anyone could follow through with such a mission, but he gets it.
It's just hard to internalize it. Feels too much still, like he's making excuses for himself. ]
It feels unfair that you have to bear that burden for someone else's future. [ He's just sharing that, he knows that part at least, isn't related to him. ] Don't you think it's unfair for us to be in a place like that and for me not to do as much as everyone else?
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... I'm upset the mission failed. I know what the world looks like after. It's even harder.
But what the hell did anyone expect to happen...? [his voice trembles with a barely restrained anger, a growl that he normally keeps locked up] Rang told me he ruined the mission. Shen-san thinks it's her fault too. It was hard on all of you, even if Dee-san won't let it show.
You all did your best. But the only way to succeed in that mission is to kill your heart. The expectation was too high.
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On some, logical level he knows that Buzen is right; the expectations were too high. They should direct their anger toward the Game for dragging them into that situation—and for what? Just to torture them? Break their spirits? Wow, who would do that.
Still, it's hard to believe in this moment when the hurt is so fresh. It's hard to imagine that it'll ever stop hurting. But he'd thought that when D had first killed him too, hadn't he?
He lets Buzen's words sink in, quiet before he smiles a little. ]
The you in there thought I was pretty cool, you know.
[ It's a shift, because he believes Buzen. He really does. But he's not ready to forgive himself yet. But at least now it seems more possible than it had before. ]
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but buzen tilts his head at that, and answers so honestly - ]
That sounds right. The me here thinks you're pretty cool too, after all.
[and he sounds so sincere about it? he really does admire rin... he thinks that as far as humans go, rin's probably one of the strongest. he has such a kind heart that can withstand so much, after all]
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Really? [ Buzen is so generous- he can hardly feel bad for greedily taking all his kind words. ] I think you're really good too.
I'm really glad I met you, Buzen.
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Mm. I'm happy for it too. We don't really get a chance to be this honest with people... so thank you, for receiving my honesty and still not changing your mind about me, Rin.
Even if we have to go on different paths once we leave here - I'll remember you. Make sure you accomplish your dreams so I can brag about you, okay?
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[ He's just a swimming guy, and he wants to swim so bad. ]
I'll remember you too. Maybe I'll read up on the Buzen Gou... Even if there isn't much, I'll find whatever there is.
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Then... I'll be grateful. To even be remembered, then I'll always exist.
If you could... Matsu and some of the other Gous are out there for viewing sometimes at the museums they're in. The Matsui Gou, the Kuwana Gou, the Kotegiri Gou...
They'd be happy to see you. I worry they get lonely out there sometimes.