but the question coming back makes him look curious for a moment, but the explanation almost makes him laugh. he shakes his head.]
Matsu's first emotion during times like this is typically guilt, or some kind of sadness. Mine's anger. I worked that out while you were gone, because I'm not angry at anyone I can reach.
[so he couldn't just... punch the whole cyoa in the face.]
I'm really, really okay. [a beat] But I'm worried about you.
How come you want to give up? I mean... [he looks thoughtful, thinking back] I don't blame you if you're sad or upset or frustrated... that mission made me feel all of those things.
But that place is different from here. Just because you failed one of our missions doesn't mean that you did anything wrong... you're not a sword, Rin.
... Does that matter? [ He furrows his brows. ] Neither is D, and he.
[ He doesn't think it was easy. He knows it must've been hard for him, but D still worked so hard to follow orders. He believed in something, and stuck by it. ]
It just feels like an excuse. Everyone here is faced with hard decisions. Even Haru is... [ uh, killing people? ] pushing himself, because he wants to help everyone.
Of course it matters. I don't want you to be a sword. And Dee-san's a bad example - he has a duty of his own, so he's used to giving things up. Ah, I don't know how to explain it well but...
[he runs a hand through his hair, agitated and frustrated by his own lack of knowledge, but when he looks to rin, his eyes are clear.]
Matsu and I don't get to choose kindness or friendship over anything. And sometimes, it hurts Matsu so bad that he'd rather not exist than hurt people. For me, I - you saw it, you know? There are missions where swords have to kill their own masters. People who loved and cherished them, because that's what history says. It's our reality but it's not a happy one.
But you're not like us. You're a human - and you try so hard to choose mercy. And even if you don't believe me, I think that is a strength.
That's the kind of future I'd want for humanity. People like you are the reason why I do what I do. So I can believe that in the future, when people have a choice on the type of person they'd like to be... they end up more like you.
[ Rin listens, and he believes him. There's nothing about Buzen that seems dishonest, and he can really trust that he means it when he talks about the future that he wants. That future that makes the agony worth it—and he doesn't begrudge him for his actions.
When he'd first arrived at that coast, he'd wondered how anyone could follow through with such a mission, but he gets it.
It's just hard to internalize it. Feels too much still, like he's making excuses for himself. ]
It feels unfair that you have to bear that burden for someone else's future. [ He's just sharing that, he knows that part at least, isn't related to him. ] Don't you think it's unfair for us to be in a place like that and for me not to do as much as everyone else?
The unfair thing is that you were there at all. That they took pieces of our history - the worst of it - and tried to make you all endure it... but even more difficult. [he's heard of the way that their friends from home and here were pulled in. as if paraiso wasn't bad enough? damn, who would do that.]
... I'm upset the mission failed. I know what the world looks like after. It's even harder.
But what the hell did anyone expect to happen...? [his voice trembles with a barely restrained anger, a growl that he normally keeps locked up] Rang told me he ruined the mission. Shen-san thinks it's her fault too. It was hard on all of you, even if Dee-san won't let it show.
You all did your best. But the only way to succeed in that mission is to kill your heart. The expectation was too high.
[ He frowns when Buzen mentions the others blaming themselves, not surprised by it but at the same time wondering how they could possibly when they'd all tried— they'd all tried so hard.
On some, logical level he knows that Buzen is right; the expectations were too high. They should direct their anger toward the Game for dragging them into that situation—and for what? Just to torture them? Break their spirits? Wow, who would do that.
Still, it's hard to believe in this moment when the hurt is so fresh. It's hard to imagine that it'll ever stop hurting. But he'd thought that when D had first killed him too, hadn't he?
He lets Buzen's words sink in, quiet before he smiles a little. ]
The you in there thought I was pretty cool, you know.
[ It's a shift, because he believes Buzen. He really does. But he's not ready to forgive himself yet. But at least now it seems more possible than it had before. ]
but buzen tilts his head at that, and answers so honestly - ]
That sounds right. The me here thinks you're pretty cool too, after all.
[and he sounds so sincere about it? he really does admire rin... he thinks that as far as humans go, rin's probably one of the strongest. he has such a kind heart that can withstand so much, after all]
Mm. I'm happy for it too. We don't really get a chance to be this honest with people... so thank you, for receiving my honesty and still not changing your mind about me, Rin.
Even if we have to go on different paths once we leave here - I'll remember you. Make sure you accomplish your dreams so I can brag about you, okay?
Then... I'll be grateful. To even be remembered, then I'll always exist.
If you could... Matsu and some of the other Gous are out there for viewing sometimes at the museums they're in. The Matsui Gou, the Kuwana Gou, the Kotegiri Gou...
They'd be happy to see you. I worry they get lonely out there sometimes.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
but the question coming back makes him look curious for a moment, but the explanation almost makes him laugh. he shakes his head.]
Matsu's first emotion during times like this is typically guilt, or some kind of sadness. Mine's anger. I worked that out while you were gone, because I'm not angry at anyone I can reach.
[so he couldn't just... punch the whole cyoa in the face.]
I'm really, really okay. [a beat] But I'm worried about you.
How come you want to give up? I mean... [he looks thoughtful, thinking back] I don't blame you if you're sad or upset or frustrated... that mission made me feel all of those things.
But that place is different from here. Just because you failed one of our missions doesn't mean that you did anything wrong... you're not a sword, Rin.
no subject
... Does that matter? [ He furrows his brows. ] Neither is D, and he.
[ He doesn't think it was easy. He knows it must've been hard for him, but D still worked so hard to follow orders. He believed in something, and stuck by it. ]
It just feels like an excuse. Everyone here is faced with hard decisions. Even Haru is... [ uh, killing people? ] pushing himself, because he wants to help everyone.
no subject
[he runs a hand through his hair, agitated and frustrated by his own lack of knowledge, but when he looks to rin, his eyes are clear.]
Matsu and I don't get to choose kindness or friendship over anything. And sometimes, it hurts Matsu so bad that he'd rather not exist than hurt people. For me, I - you saw it, you know? There are missions where swords have to kill their own masters. People who loved and cherished them, because that's what history says. It's our reality but it's not a happy one.
But you're not like us. You're a human - and you try so hard to choose mercy. And even if you don't believe me, I think that is a strength.
That's the kind of future I'd want for humanity. People like you are the reason why I do what I do. So I can believe that in the future, when people have a choice on the type of person they'd like to be... they end up more like you.
no subject
When he'd first arrived at that coast, he'd wondered how anyone could follow through with such a mission, but he gets it.
It's just hard to internalize it. Feels too much still, like he's making excuses for himself. ]
It feels unfair that you have to bear that burden for someone else's future. [ He's just sharing that, he knows that part at least, isn't related to him. ] Don't you think it's unfair for us to be in a place like that and for me not to do as much as everyone else?
no subject
... I'm upset the mission failed. I know what the world looks like after. It's even harder.
But what the hell did anyone expect to happen...? [his voice trembles with a barely restrained anger, a growl that he normally keeps locked up] Rang told me he ruined the mission. Shen-san thinks it's her fault too. It was hard on all of you, even if Dee-san won't let it show.
You all did your best. But the only way to succeed in that mission is to kill your heart. The expectation was too high.
no subject
On some, logical level he knows that Buzen is right; the expectations were too high. They should direct their anger toward the Game for dragging them into that situation—and for what? Just to torture them? Break their spirits? Wow, who would do that.
Still, it's hard to believe in this moment when the hurt is so fresh. It's hard to imagine that it'll ever stop hurting. But he'd thought that when D had first killed him too, hadn't he?
He lets Buzen's words sink in, quiet before he smiles a little. ]
The you in there thought I was pretty cool, you know.
[ It's a shift, because he believes Buzen. He really does. But he's not ready to forgive himself yet. But at least now it seems more possible than it had before. ]
no subject
but buzen tilts his head at that, and answers so honestly - ]
That sounds right. The me here thinks you're pretty cool too, after all.
[and he sounds so sincere about it? he really does admire rin... he thinks that as far as humans go, rin's probably one of the strongest. he has such a kind heart that can withstand so much, after all]
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Really? [ Buzen is so generous- he can hardly feel bad for greedily taking all his kind words. ] I think you're really good too.
I'm really glad I met you, Buzen.
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Mm. I'm happy for it too. We don't really get a chance to be this honest with people... so thank you, for receiving my honesty and still not changing your mind about me, Rin.
Even if we have to go on different paths once we leave here - I'll remember you. Make sure you accomplish your dreams so I can brag about you, okay?
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[ He's just a swimming guy, and he wants to swim so bad. ]
I'll remember you too. Maybe I'll read up on the Buzen Gou... Even if there isn't much, I'll find whatever there is.
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Then... I'll be grateful. To even be remembered, then I'll always exist.
If you could... Matsu and some of the other Gous are out there for viewing sometimes at the museums they're in. The Matsui Gou, the Kuwana Gou, the Kotegiri Gou...
They'd be happy to see you. I worry they get lonely out there sometimes.