[ He's quiet, because he knows that's a terrible experience. It's harrowing to kill someone that you care about, and not be blamed for it. He would rather be blamed for everything that happened.
But he's moody and emotional, and his answer isn't to be understanding. ]
Did your teammate end up dying because of you then?
[ honestly, the last thing she wants from him his sympathy ]
No. Someone innocent was voted for, but it was part of a secret plan to save them from execution. But the way things played out, lots of people were angry and hurt and betrayed by that. Of course I'm not upset he survived, but I still think to this day that if I had just died instead like I deserved, everything would be better.
... Sorry, but it doesn't. Wanting to die just to spare hurt feelings? That's stupid.
[ He's such an asshole. You can't call people's trauma stupid. I'm sorry. ]
Siffrin did die. No one was there to save them. I had to... [ Focuses really hard on his towel so he doesn't cry. ] They died listening to me talk about a stupid car wash that isn't even real.
You're right, I'm stupid. And I can't relate to that part, for sure. More the feeling of wishing it was you instead.
But Siffrin knew that you never wanted to hurt them, that the affliction wasn't your fault. Even afflicted, you only wanted to save them. You've got to know that.
Because we had other culprits alive to vote for, which we didn't have this time! And one person doesn't "get" another person killed, it's the voting that does it. That means multiple people, not one person, Rin.
[ see, this is exactly why she brought up killing manwol. because she was in the same state, being burned by everyone's kind words and forgiveness. feeling how wrong it was that no one was angry at her. ]
.... I know. It doesn't feel right.
But the truth is, no one's really going to get mad at you. Because they know you were used, and you never would have hurt anyone if you had the choice.
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But he's moody and emotional, and his answer isn't to be understanding. ]
Did your teammate end up dying because of you then?
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No. Someone innocent was voted for, but it was part of a secret plan to save them from execution. But the way things played out, lots of people were angry and hurt and betrayed by that. Of course I'm not upset he survived, but I still think to this day that if I had just died instead like I deserved, everything would be better.
[ she looks up at him now ]
.... Does that sound a little familiar?
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[ He's such an asshole. You can't call people's trauma stupid. I'm sorry. ]
Siffrin did die. No one was there to save them. I had to... [ Focuses really hard on his towel so he doesn't cry. ] They died listening to me talk about a stupid car wash that isn't even real.
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You're right, I'm stupid. And I can't relate to that part, for sure. More the feeling of wishing it was you instead.
But Siffrin knew that you never wanted to hurt them, that the affliction wasn't your fault. Even afflicted, you only wanted to save them. You've got to know that.
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No- Maya. You're not stupid. I shouldn't have said that.
You care about people. That's not a bad thing.
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[ she is stupid!!! she owns it!! ]
I care about you. I want to help you.
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The whole team... The whole team was suspected because of me. And I told them they deserved it!
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Because you're my friend and you're important to me!
No one is going to blame you for things you did while you were afflicted. Did you blame Rosamund, or Totty?
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At least they didn't get their teammate killed!
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[ goodbye towel.... ]
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I choked him until he was gone. It happened right in front of me. Who's going to take the punishment for that?
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There's no guide to how you're supposed to feel. Angry, sad, guilty, all of it is valid. You were used. You were used.
.... Would you feel better if you were punished? [ would it bring shen back to this side? ]
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[ Oof. ]
Maybe? It's just... It's not right. If no one is.
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.... I know. It doesn't feel right.
But the truth is, no one's really going to get mad at you. Because they know you were used, and you never would have hurt anyone if you had the choice.
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Is it better to just become numb to it? ]
What did you do? After Manwol?
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[ gives him a sympathetic look ]
It gets a little easier, with time. And knowing it's not just you this happened to.