[ and then he just, turns and slams his foot on a trash can that he'd already knocked over, sending it rolling to a nearby vending machine.
and then for a second he looks like he's going to kick something else before he just... drops into a crouch, shoving his hands into his hair and covering his eyes. ]
[when the trash can gets kicked, he doesn't flinch or seem surprised. he'll step closer, wondering if he's also gonna get a foot to the face but deciding the risk is fine.
he'll crouch right down along with rin, settling in front of him. when he speaks, his voice is soft]
buzen will just reach out to lay a hand lightly on rin's shoulder]
... human hearts are heavy. Even just one in turmoil it hard to breathe. I don't think you have enough room yet to try to take on his too, Rin. You will - just not right now.
[ . . . well that's not what he expected to hear at all. buzen's puzzled expression only intensifies, but he'll do his best to grasp what's going on here,]
... Rin.
I don't even know where to start on all the ways you're selling yourself short.
I died! [ His volume rises a little louder than it needs to, gripping at his knees. ] I died without doing anything for my team, so they were at a disadvantage.
I died so they had to erase others to try and catch up, and I know they tried so hard not to.
And on Thursday, Haru- He—
I've never done anything for him. I've never been able to help him.
[ He tilts his head forward, hair covering his eyes. ]
I know it's pathetic. I know you think I'm just being stupid.
[the gentleness in buzen's tone still overrules everything else, but there is something firm that peeks out too.]
Rin. You're talking to the sword who died in a fight with a civilian, and brought the rest of his team down with him. Mine doesn't even have a chance anymore, and that's because of me.
But I don't think I'm pathetic, so if I'm not then you definitely aren't.
None of this is your fault. And even if they are thinking of you, I don't think it's ever a fault to care about someone.
[ Rin really did pick the funniest person to unload this on.
His head does jerk to look at Buzen as soon as it occurs to him just who exactly he's talking to, guilt and a fresh wave of frustration. ]
That's not— You're... [ He and Buzen aren't even remotely on the same level. Even the best warriors can run into unlucky circumstances (he thinks, he has no idea), but Rin was never going to make it.
It's okay, if you want to keep saying illogical things. Get them all out before they eat you up on the inside.
... but I'm also gonna push back when I think you're not being fair to yourself, because what if you start believing some of it? I can't let that happen. That's all I mean.
[don't worry rin, have you seen matsui? buzen is more than used to being the most patient person in the room.
which is to say that he's not bothered or surprised - it's not like you can just tell the aches and pains of the heart to go away.
but he will reposition himself, kneeling for better balance so he can just go ahead and wrap both of his arms around rin's shoulders to pull him into a hug]
... and it's not over yet. I'm not going to pretend to know how Haru-san's feeling. I can't.
But you can still help him, because you're still here. He might not know it yet, but he will eventually.
[ Rin's stupid teenage pride means that it's very embarrassing for him to be held like this while he's like this, but the loneliness he feels in this moment overpowers everything else.
He drops his forehead onto Buzen's shoulder, knees hitting the ground so that he's also kneeling, while his face screws up as he tries to keep his voice from wavering again.
Like this, beyond the right and wrong of erasing other players, and the trauma of watching people suffer, he can just admit, ]
[there is nothing about this situation that's fair or right, and there's probably no words that buzen can offer up that'd ease any words. so instead he pulls rin that much closer, enveloping him in this embrace like it can help anything at all. and he can only say the one thing that he knows to be true:]
They miss you too.
[and maybe that's the cause of all this pain, but it's also this incredibly strong source of love that buzen doesn't think would be all that fair to look away from.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I can if you want.
.... can you just tell me why?
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[ angy, hands all balled into fists. ]
You don't want to be here.
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... but I do. Because you're here.
It's okay if you're pissed off, Rin. Friends don't stick around only for the times when things are easy.
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[ He can admit that at least, and he does seem like he's trying to hold back an outburst. ]
I'll say shit you don't deserve. You all- I just.
[ don't want to ruin things. ]
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[he frowns thoughtfully]
Maybe I'll be the jerk that doesn't want to leave you alone even if you've warned me then.
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[ and then he just, turns and slams his foot on a trash can that he'd already knocked over, sending it rolling to a nearby vending machine.
and then for a second he looks like he's going to kick something else before he just... drops into a crouch, shoving his hands into his hair and covering his eyes. ]
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he'll crouch right down along with rin, settling in front of him. when he speaks, his voice is soft]
... who're you mad at?
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he doesn't move from his position, and when he speaks his voice is a little choked. can he go 2 seconds without crying. ]
I don't know. [ he grips harder at his strands of hair. ] Haru- he's. All I can think about is how far he's gone from me.
—I'm not even thinking about his feelings.
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buzen will just reach out to lay a hand lightly on rin's shoulder]
... human hearts are heavy. Even just one in turmoil it hard to breathe. I don't think you have enough room yet to try to take on his too, Rin. You will - just not right now.
What do you mean about how far he's gone...?
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... He's strong. I've seen him in trial—he's smart too. He's done and overcome so much.
Everyday I have less of a right to stand at his side.
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... Rin.
I don't even know where to start on all the ways you're selling yourself short.
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I died so they had to erase others to try and catch up, and I know they tried so hard not to.
And on Thursday, Haru- He—
I've never done anything for him. I've never been able to help him.
[ He tilts his head forward, hair covering his eyes. ]
I know it's pathetic. I know you think I'm just being stupid.
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[the gentleness in buzen's tone still overrules everything else, but there is something firm that peeks out too.]
Rin. You're talking to the sword who died in a fight with a civilian, and brought the rest of his team down with him. Mine doesn't even have a chance anymore, and that's because of me.
But I don't think I'm pathetic, so if I'm not then you definitely aren't.
None of this is your fault. And even if they are thinking of you, I don't think it's ever a fault to care about someone.
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His head does jerk to look at Buzen as soon as it occurs to him just who exactly he's talking to, guilt and a fresh wave of frustration. ]
That's not— You're... [ He and Buzen aren't even remotely on the same level. Even the best warriors can run into unlucky circumstances (he thinks, he has no idea), but Rin was never going to make it.
He looks back down. ]
... I know it's not logical.
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[he squeezes rin's shoulder]
It's okay, if you want to keep saying illogical things. Get them all out before they eat you up on the inside.
... but I'm also gonna push back when I think you're not being fair to yourself, because what if you start believing some of it? I can't let that happen. That's all I mean.
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He wishes he could repay the kindness by pulling himself out of this, instead of continuing to wallow in self-pity.
He squeezes his eyes shut. ]
It's just hard to know that he was suffering, and I couldn't help him.
He's helped me in so many ways, and I...
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which is to say that he's not bothered or surprised - it's not like you can just tell the aches and pains of the heart to go away.
but he will reposition himself, kneeling for better balance so he can just go ahead and wrap both of his arms around rin's shoulders to pull him into a hug]
... and it's not over yet. I'm not going to pretend to know how Haru-san's feeling. I can't.
But you can still help him, because you're still here. He might not know it yet, but he will eventually.
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He drops his forehead onto Buzen's shoulder, knees hitting the ground so that he's also kneeling, while his face screws up as he tries to keep his voice from wavering again.
Like this, beyond the right and wrong of erasing other players, and the trauma of watching people suffer, he can just admit, ]
I miss my friends.
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They miss you too.
[and maybe that's the cause of all this pain, but it's also this incredibly strong source of love that buzen doesn't think would be all that fair to look away from.]