[ oh. well, he's still frowning, glaring at the ground. ]
I'm not trying to get you to make me feel better. [ his frown deepens. ] I'm saying that I'm sorry for all the shit you had to go through after I died.
I hate that you had to do it, and that I couldn't do anything about it.
But I don't hate you. Why would you even think that? It's not like any of you wanted—
[ he cuts himself off, running a hand through his hair. ]
[ he's thought rin hated him for much less before. he looks surprised at first, then there's a tiny furrow in his brow at the growing lump in his throat. his words are soft and awkward around it. ]
I've hurt a lot of people. I just—...I thought you'd be mad. At what I've done. At... what I've been able to do.
[ he's never understood why rin admired him anyway. and he's mad at himself, too. after another drawn pause, he's no longer able to keep the emotion out of his voice, steady but raw. ]
[ he glances up then, a little taken aback, and not used to hearing so much from haru all at once. it reminds him how much he's changed in the time that they've been apart. it's a little lonely.
he rubs his eyes, looking away again. ]
I missed you too.
[ he bites his lip, head drooping further down. ]
You had to do so much. You and Ylfa both. Watching and... not being able to do anything for you felt worse than dying, honestly.
[ it's really been weeks since he's been able to see rin. and of course they've been apart longer than that—frequently so—but this has been different. rin died. he'd gotten a glimpse of his corpse covered by a sheet.
it's a little easier to say what he's thinking now, because how long are they going to be able to talk like this? and also, ylfa threatened to turn him into a clown. he shakes his head. ]
Don't say that.
[ he has to look away too, tense from his shoulders to his hands, curling up into fists. ]
You dying—it's still the worst thing that's happened.
[ He winces when Haru says that. He can't even imagine what it must've felt like, waking up that stupid tower the next morning. Haru had been so worried the night before, it was unlike him to reach out to others like that.
It's been a long time since he's thought about that night. He doesn't really want to remember it, even now. It only makes it worse that he still can't actually reach out to Haru. That they're still separated, and they might never... ]
[ he immediately feels a twinge of guilt; rin doesn't need a reminder of what happened. his death was hard for the living, but it can't have compared to actually experiencing it. what little he knows about that night is enough to make his blood run cold.
he grumbles, quiet and miserable. ]
Stop apologizing.
[ this is a difficult way to reunite. they can't even really be in the same room. he doesn't want to talk like this. You should just be here and read my thoughts. he should just be here, period. ]
[ as terrified as he is of the possibility of all this going wrong, of someone higher up finding out too much, he cannot bring himself to voice the possibility. he can only hope things turn out right because the alternative would be unbearable. ]
...Not really. At this rate, rankings should be up by Thursday.
[ he shifts in place a bit, as close to a nervous fidget as he gets. ]
There's no way one team can normally get enough points to revive everyone. So we need... something to go differently.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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eventually, ]
...Why did you send such weird messages at first.
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We had to keep our identities secret and Rang... convinced us all the best way to do that was to adopt insane personas.
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Why listen to Rang? ...I really almost blocked you.
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[ he caved ]
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...I guess it turned out fine. [ mostly ] I didn't know I could message back for a while. Sorry.
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[ goes silent ]
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...Are you doing okay over there?
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[ silent again
... and then, ] Listen, Haru. [ his image flickers as he grips the railing he's leaning against. ] I.
[ ugh. ]
I just wanted to say... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I died, and left the rest of you to do everything yourselves. I know it's been hard.
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he looks aside, staring hard at some rocks in the water. ]
...What are you apologizing for? None of that is your fault.
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You don't have to listen to me.
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[ he'll finally glance up, serious. ]
None of that is your fault.
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I'm not trying to get you to make me feel better. [ his frown deepens. ] I'm saying that I'm sorry for all the shit you had to go through after I died.
I hate that you had to do it, and that I couldn't do anything about it.
But I don't hate you. Why would you even think that? It's not like any of you wanted—
[ he cuts himself off, running a hand through his hair. ]
... I could never hate you, Haru.
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I've hurt a lot of people. I just—...I thought you'd be mad. At what I've done. At... what I've been able to do.
[ he's never understood why rin admired him anyway. and he's mad at himself, too. after another drawn pause, he's no longer able to keep the emotion out of his voice, steady but raw. ]
Rin. I've really missed you.
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he rubs his eyes, looking away again. ]
I missed you too.
[ he bites his lip, head drooping further down. ]
You had to do so much. You and Ylfa both. Watching and... not being able to do anything for you felt worse than dying, honestly.
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it's a little easier to say what he's thinking now, because how long are they going to be able to talk like this? and also, ylfa threatened to turn him into a clown. he shakes his head. ]
Don't say that.
[ he has to look away too, tense from his shoulders to his hands, curling up into fists. ]
You dying—it's still the worst thing that's happened.
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It's been a long time since he's thought about that night. He doesn't really want to remember it, even now. It only makes it worse that he still can't actually reach out to Haru. That they're still separated, and they might never... ]
... Yeah. Sorry.
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he grumbles, quiet and miserable. ]
Stop apologizing.
[ this is a difficult way to reunite. they can't even really be in the same room. he doesn't want to talk like this. You should just be here and read my thoughts. he should just be here, period. ]
...Just come back soon.
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[ He is deathly afraid they won't be able to. That something, somewhere will go wrong and he'll disappear at the end of the game.
He sighs, glancing up again. ]
Do you have any idea how things are supposed to end?
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...Not really. At this rate, rankings should be up by Thursday.
[ he shifts in place a bit, as close to a nervous fidget as he gets. ]
There's no way one team can normally get enough points to revive everyone. So we need... something to go differently.
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Something is different. We're here this time. [ Meaning all the ghosts. ] We just need to make sure no one catches on who shouldn't.
[ A pause, and he slumps slightly. ]
This is so crazy. Sometimes I still can't believe this is even happening.
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he sighs out quietly. ]
...I know. We don't belong here.
[ he truly does not see why their world, of all worlds, got included in this game. ]
You'll be home soon, Rin.
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[ He frowns, tone a little sulky when he speaks again, ] You got all your injuries from your "special" mission healed, right?
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Oh. Yeah. [ sometimes you murder that night and it makes healing complicated but yeah. ] ...It kind of messed me up for a few days. Sorry.
[ jan did this ]
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[ He looks briefly embarrassed before his expression shifts back to concerned. ]
But I meant the first one too.
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...I'm fine. I wouldn't walk around with those injuries long.
[ because he would be dead ]
You saw that?
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