[ usually, he would retreat a step. he hates these confrontations. but they only just reunited and rin already insists on pushing his buttons and asking horrible questions instead of letting this be a normal thing.
and he's a little stressed. a lot stressed. he snaps out, ]
I don't want anything.
[ he just wanted to help the iwatobi team. finish school. fade into obscurity. maybe he'd been afraid of wanting anything else, sure, but now he doesn't even deserve to. his voice raises, uncharacteristically, clumsily loud. ]
What does it matter? I framed somebody. How do you expect me to—how can I be okay? How can I want that? [ he felt guilty making rin cry once in middle school. how is he supposed to feel now? he's tried to keep it together for weeks now, for ylfa's sake mostly, but now he's just gulping down air and shouting. rin is so stupid. he makes him so mad he could scream. ] I've killed a bunch of people! I wasn't even there to help you! You're the one who should've lived, and I made those stupid promises about keeping you safe and just—! [ he'd just let rin die. ] How can I be fine when you're gone!?
[ His eyes widen slightly when Haru lets his emotions burst out of him, chest tight and painful. He can feel the familiar guilt rising up—he died, and did this; he died and Haru had to go through all this—but he just lets out a breath and steps closer. Close enough that their shoes would be bumping if they were actually together. ]
Me dying isn't your fault, Haru. It's not yours or Ylfa's. I know what it's like to feel like you failed someone, and I don't want you to feel like that. It's not your fault, it just isn't.
[ He sighs, closing his eyes for a moment. ]
And yeah. You hurt people. It sucks. I don't know how to make that better. But Ylfa did all that too. And Gerard. You don't think they deserve to be happy? You're in a messed up situation and you did messed up things. But you're trying to get everyone home, aren't you? Doesn't that mean something?
[ he frowns tensely, thinly. of course he doesn't want ylfa and gerard to be doomed to misery forever. he doesn't think either of them were responsible for rin's death at all. but that's never how guilt works. it's not logical; it's just a spiral of emotions and this is more or less the first time he's unleashed it on anyone.
he doesn't know what distance to keep, so he just stays put, staring back at rin. he's so close and not there at all. ]
We can't do anything else.
[ saving people is better than the original outcome they'd expected: winning the game and saving just the four of them. they have to try, because it'd be insane not to. at the very least, he seems to have worked through his embarrassing outburst, looking drained now. ]
Rin... I don't know. [ he doesn't know shit. ] Where do I even go now...? You always have an opinion.
[ he's thought about just staying. being a reaper, or whatever. spending the points on someone else. he can't spell it out that much or rin will probably get angry, but it's hard to imagine a place at iwatobi anymore. ]
We go home. [ He answers slowly, like he can't quite believe Haru is even asking. Guilt, hatred, regret, fine. But even if things will never be the same again, all he wants is to go home.
He shakes his head, disbelieving. ]
What's the point if we don't go back to Iwatobi after all this?
[ They're separated by two distinct dimensions but Haru may as well have slapped him for how shocked he looks, and for a second—the furrow of his brow and the tightening of his jaw—he almost looks as though he might shout again.
But then... he doesn't. His expression shutters and he steps back, the angry tension seeping from his shoulders out his uncurled fingers. ]
If that's what you want.
[ He meets Haru's eyes again. ]
You'll need to start figuring out if it is on your own.
[ Even though there is Fear that something will go wrong, and an understanding that the risk is high. But hearing Haru say that he could stay here made him realise just how much that is not an option for him.
Neither is dying. He's getting back to Iwatobi one way or another. ]
[ haru is the one who's safe anyway, at least until Ruby blows him up and kills him in a few days.
he's still processing rin's words, the impact of them of them hitting hard and late; he schools his expression with so much effort that his thoughts turn choppy, enough that the connection becomes staticky for a moment. ]
Whatever. I'll think about it. But none of this means anything unless we make it to the end.
Edited (actually i reread your tags and realized they're breaking up for the 300th time) 2023-08-04 05:17 (UTC)
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[ he's leaning forward now, hands curled into fists. ]
Why are you so bad at wanting good things for yourself?
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and he's a little stressed. a lot stressed. he snaps out, ]
I don't want anything.
[ he just wanted to help the iwatobi team. finish school. fade into obscurity. maybe he'd been afraid of wanting anything else, sure, but now he doesn't even deserve to. his voice raises, uncharacteristically, clumsily loud. ]
What does it matter? I framed somebody. How do you expect me to—how can I be okay? How can I want that? [ he felt guilty making rin cry once in middle school. how is he supposed to feel now? he's tried to keep it together for weeks now, for ylfa's sake mostly, but now he's just gulping down air and shouting. rin is so stupid. he makes him so mad he could scream. ] I've killed a bunch of people! I wasn't even there to help you! You're the one who should've lived, and I made those stupid promises about keeping you safe and just—! [ he'd just let rin die. ] How can I be fine when you're gone!?
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Me dying isn't your fault, Haru. It's not yours or Ylfa's. I know what it's like to feel like you failed someone, and I don't want you to feel like that. It's not your fault, it just isn't.
[ He sighs, closing his eyes for a moment. ]
And yeah. You hurt people. It sucks. I don't know how to make that better. But Ylfa did all that too. And Gerard. You don't think they deserve to be happy? You're in a messed up situation and you did messed up things. But you're trying to get everyone home, aren't you? Doesn't that mean something?
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he doesn't know what distance to keep, so he just stays put, staring back at rin. he's so close and not there at all. ]
We can't do anything else.
[ saving people is better than the original outcome they'd expected: winning the game and saving just the four of them. they have to try, because it'd be insane not to. at the very least, he seems to have worked through his embarrassing outburst, looking drained now. ]
Rin... I don't know. [ he doesn't know shit. ] Where do I even go now...? You always have an opinion.
[ he's thought about just staying. being a reaper, or whatever. spending the points on someone else. he can't spell it out that much or rin will probably get angry, but it's hard to imagine a place at iwatobi anymore. ]
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He shakes his head, disbelieving. ]
What's the point if we don't go back to Iwatobi after all this?
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[ they just came here to suffer. they weren't even dead when this started. since they're apparently having the worst heart to heart ever, he sighs. ]
...Ylfa and I have talked about staying. We haven't decided. But we've had to think about how to use our points and—...it's something to consider.
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But then... he doesn't. His expression shutters and he steps back, the angry tension seeping from his shoulders out his uncurled fingers. ]
If that's what you want.
[ He meets Haru's eyes again. ]
You'll need to start figuring out if it is on your own.
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maybe it's better that their thoughts don't cross over to the dead. ]
...We're bringing you back first.
[ everything else can wait until after. ]
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[ Even though there is Fear that something will go wrong, and an understanding that the risk is high. But hearing Haru say that he could stay here made him realise just how much that is not an option for him.
Neither is dying. He's getting back to Iwatobi one way or another. ]
You should worry about yourself more.
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[ haru is the one who's safe anyway, at least until Ruby blows him up and kills him in a few days.
he's still processing rin's words, the impact of them of them hitting hard and late; he schools his expression with so much effort that his thoughts turn choppy, enough that the connection becomes staticky for a moment. ]
Whatever. I'll think about it. But none of this means anything unless we make it to the end.