[ They hadn't talked about the competition since arriving back here. About any of the other guys or anything that had happened between them, not since their first confrontation on the day that they arrived. They had bigger things to worry about, and he was happy not to think about all the ways he'd screwed up and had been screwing up for the past five years.
But Haru's in his space, and now he can't stop thinking about it. ]
Why the hell would he do that? He- [ His teeth grind together. ] He knows that he deserves that spot and I don't.
... He told me the truth. That you quit swimming because of me, not because Iwatobi didn't have a pool.
[ he hadn't known how to bring up the relay again, but he's slowly adjusting to how absurd this place is. rin having a few months of memory loss or being from some alternate point in time is no longer completely inconceivable.
he looks askance when rin calls out the truth, but that's something they've put off talking about for a long time, too. ]
That's because... I thought you were going to quit. Because you lost to me.
[ it wasn't worth swimming competitively if he was going to hurt rin with it. ]
But you told Rei—told us. That your race with me wasn't the reason you thought about quitting.
[ There's a sinking feeling in his stomach when Haru confirms that Rei had been telling the truth. There was no reason for him to lie, in the end, but there was still a part of him that believed that he might be wrong. That Haru wasn't so affected by others that he would've given up competitive swimming just because of him.
But it was true. And Rei, a stranger, knew about it. Which probably meant Makoto knew. And Nagisa knew. ]
What do you care if I quit anyway? [ He says, instead of reassuring Haru that yes, his spiral was not his fault.
—But he regrets not saying it himself as soon as he does, hesitating and jaw clenching as he stares at the ground. ]
It wasn't your fault. Of course, it wasn't your fault. But even if it was, you shouldn't let my personal problems decide how you swim.
[ haru had kept the truth of their incident to himself for a long time—it wasn't anyone's business. the reason why he quit didn't matter. no one could convince him to do something he didn't want to anymore, and sharing the truth wouldn't change that.
but there's something liberating in hearing rin say this much. it wasn't your fault. maybe he'd still been afraid that, in his carelessness, he'd ruined something rin loved so much. that rin hated him after he lost. ]
It matters.
[ it's mattered ever since rin burrowed his way into his life. when rin doesn't occupy that space, it's... lonely. now that the flowers are secured, he reaches out, not fighting the compulsion to touch rin's hair, pushing it back to encourage him to look up again. ]
I don't want you to give up on your dreams. I want to swim with you. [ these things matter to him. ]
[ The touch startles him, even in a week full of friendly touches, and he glances up at Haru like he can't believe what he's seeing. It's reminiscent of the first day they arrived, when Haru had insisted he wanted Rin on his team.
It doesn't make any sense to him. ]
Why do you... How can you say that after how I treated you?
[ ... ]
I haven't even said "I'm sorry".
[ He never took Haru as the type to tolerate mistreatment, and so he has to wonder why he's still here with him when Rin had done nothing but try to push him away. ]
[ haru was rude and mean to him enough during their school days, so this just makes them even, probably. rin frustrates him on the regular, and even now, where he just wishes rin would magically understand him without haru having to try to pick and choose words for his feelings.
in lieu of that, he tries to communicate a little. ]
Because I didn't see how you really felt. Or what you really wanted.
[ rei had to explain it to him—a complete outsider to their problems. a third party to tell them both how stupid they were. ]
I want to help you. Because... you showed up all the sudden and changed everything. Forever. For the better.
[ he owes rin more than he seems to understand. ] You showed me something I'd never seen before.
[ His eyes widen slightly at that answer, confused and a little overwhelmed as he tries to grapple with Haru's reasoning. It doesn't make sense to him, that he could've done something so important, when Haru was always as distant and unchangeable as the sea.
But he had changed. Grown and blossomed like a beautiful spring. When had that happened? ]
You're... as incredible as ever, Haru. [ Both the tension and the fight drain out of him, one of his hands pressing flat against Haru's chest, feeling his heart beat a moment before curling to grip the fabric. ]
I'm sorry. For saying that I wouldn't swim with you again.
[ he's not sure if rin will ever realize the truth: that haru is just an ordinary person, or at least waiting to be one. there's nothing incredible about him. he was just a quiet, stubborn, recalcitrant child who met someone dazzling.
he reaches, tentatively, to grip rin's wrist, pressing his hand closer against his chest. like this gentle hold might be enough to keep rin close this time. ]
...Good.
Don't say it again. You have to keep going.
[ he respects rin's dreams too much to watch them crumble. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But Haru's in his space, and now he can't stop thinking about it. ]
Why the hell would he do that? He- [ His teeth grind together. ] He knows that he deserves that spot and I don't.
... He told me the truth. That you quit swimming because of me, not because Iwatobi didn't have a pool.
no subject
he looks askance when rin calls out the truth, but that's something they've put off talking about for a long time, too. ]
That's because... I thought you were going to quit. Because you lost to me.
[ it wasn't worth swimming competitively if he was going to hurt rin with it. ]
But you told Rei—told us. That your race with me wasn't the reason you thought about quitting.
no subject
But it was true. And Rei, a stranger, knew about it. Which probably meant Makoto knew. And Nagisa knew. ]
What do you care if I quit anyway? [ He says, instead of reassuring Haru that yes, his spiral was not his fault.
—But he regrets not saying it himself as soon as he does, hesitating and jaw clenching as he stares at the ground. ]
It wasn't your fault. Of course, it wasn't your fault. But even if it was, you shouldn't let my personal problems decide how you swim.
no subject
but there's something liberating in hearing rin say this much. it wasn't your fault. maybe he'd still been afraid that, in his carelessness, he'd ruined something rin loved so much. that rin hated him after he lost. ]
It matters.
[ it's mattered ever since rin burrowed his way into his life. when rin doesn't occupy that space, it's... lonely. now that the flowers are secured, he reaches out, not fighting the compulsion to touch rin's hair, pushing it back to encourage him to look up again. ]
I don't want you to give up on your dreams. I want to swim with you. [ these things matter to him. ]
no subject
It doesn't make any sense to him. ]
Why do you... How can you say that after how I treated you?
[ ... ]
I haven't even said "I'm sorry".
[ He never took Haru as the type to tolerate mistreatment, and so he has to wonder why he's still here with him when Rin had done nothing but try to push him away. ]
no subject
in lieu of that, he tries to communicate a little. ]
Because I didn't see how you really felt. Or what you really wanted.
[ rei had to explain it to him—a complete outsider to their problems. a third party to tell them both how stupid they were. ]
I want to help you. Because... you showed up all the sudden and changed everything. Forever. For the better.
[ he owes rin more than he seems to understand. ] You showed me something I'd never seen before.
no subject
But he had changed. Grown and blossomed like a beautiful spring. When had that happened? ]
You're... as incredible as ever, Haru. [ Both the tension and the fight drain out of him, one of his hands pressing flat against Haru's chest, feeling his heart beat a moment before curling to grip the fabric. ]
I'm sorry. For saying that I wouldn't swim with you again.
no subject
he reaches, tentatively, to grip rin's wrist, pressing his hand closer against his chest. like this gentle hold might be enough to keep rin close this time. ]
...Good.
Don't say it again. You have to keep going.
[ he respects rin's dreams too much to watch them crumble. ]