[ He sounds embarrassed, despite being the one to bring all this up. ]
I was just thinking... [ He leans back on his heels, looking up at the sky. ] If we really did die then... there's swimming obviously, but we died without ever falling in love or getting married or any of that stuff.
... It feels a little sad. [ But he just shrugs, glancing back at Haru. ] Do you ever think about that kind of thing?
[ he blinks, fluttery with surprise. it's less bluster and more sincerity than he expected. but it does confirm something he's wondered about recently: rin was always thinking so much bigger than he was.
placidly, ]
...No. I never dreamed that far ahead to begin with.
[ he just wanted to be twenty and fade into obscurity. he never thought about getting married or anything. ]
[ It's a little awkward to be asked that point blank by Haru of all people. There's too many years in Rin's history of wanting desperately to talk to him, to lay down all his frustrations and fears at his feet while also forbidding himself from that.
But they're changing. They've already changed. ]
I didn't think about it in detail, but I always assumed it would happen, I guess.
[ No one expects to die at 17.
He hesitates for a moment before continuing, voice softer and gaze a little distant. ] I don't regret spending so much of my life on swimming but I feel... that I missed out on a lot.
[ he can't recall having many heart-to-hearts with rin; even as children, it was rare for the two of them to be alone and not flanked by their classmates. and after rin came back—...it'd been out of the question, then.
it sends a chill through him. he doesn't want rin to come to resent the moments they'd worked so ceaselessly for. or worse: to lose his hope for more. he grips his arm to bring him back from whatever haze he's in. ]
It doesn't have to be over, Rin.
[ they have a good team. ]
You have more to live for than seven weeks of this.
[ Rin blinks back to the present, looking over at Haru with mild surprise.
Slowly, he's starting to realise that, as strange as it might be, and despite his commitment against the use of Thursday nights, and despite his talk about endless possibilities, on some level, he doesn't believe that he'll ever go back to his old life.
He still feels an urgency to try, for his team, because the thought of Haru or Ylfa not getting out is so deeply terrifying that he can barely even think about it.
But. ]
... I know. [ He gives Haru a confused smile, like he's not sure what prompted such a strong response. ]
I know! [ Freeing his arm, he pats Haru's shoulder a few times. ] They were just some thoughts that came up.
[ He crosses his arms then, curious. ]
But really Haru, you didn't give any thought to your life after high school?
[ of course haru's going to take it seriously. even if things are cute and fun right now, they're still in a life or death situation. the truth of it hangs over his head everyday.
so naturally, he doesn't smile back at this show of reassurance. and he's a little taken aback when rin turns the question on him, but then rolls his now-free shoulder in an apathetic shrug.
he sounds as passive as ever, but there's some dismissiveness there, too—he doesn't want to talk about this. ]
...Not really. It doesn't matter to me as long as I can swim.
[ Rin supposes that he shouldn't be surprised by this answer, Haru had always been stubborn and he'd never pretended to want anything but to be in water.
But then again, the last time he'd seen Haru really spoken to Haru at length, they'd been twelve years old. ]
... And? We're not kids anymore, Haru. You have to give it more thought than that.
[ He continues on despite Haru's hint about not wanting to have this conversation. ]
Do you want to swim competitively? As a coach? Get another job, and swim as a hobby?
[ he has to bite his tongue to counter by pointing out that they're in the midst of a murder game, and that none of that really matters. because he'd just tried to convince rin that they were going to win this.
he huffs quietly instead. ]
I don't care about any of that. I'll just do what I want, when the time comes.
[ originally, he wasn't even planning on returning to competitive swimming. ]
[ his voice is flat but the underlying Annoyance is loud and clear. ]
No. Too many people concern themselves with it. [ why does everyone bother him about this these days? ] You worry about things like getting scouted and school.
[ for an instant, he does feel bad—really bad, actually. he didn't mean it that way, but he knows this is a sore spot for rin. it's not ground he wants to retread.
but he's also upset that rin won't let this drop, this thing that he's been afraid of even before he "died," and now he has to think about it on top of the thread of his entire existence being erased; he turns to face him fully, unusually tense. ]
Rin. I'll help all of us get home. But that's it. Don't talk to me about what happens after.
[ he's going to walk away because if he stays any longer he's absolutely sure he's going to lose it. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Why not?
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You're right. Maybe you should bring Rang on a date here too.
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2/2
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What does it matter if it's a cute girl or not? [ he... genuinely does not care ]
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Most guys would be pretty excited about holding hands with a girl all week, you know. You don't think she's cute at all?
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What? She's pretty. But it doesn't matter.
[ he says, as though rin should simply understand ]
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anyway, unfortunately rin is not makoto and can't simply read haru's mind. so he just stares at haru for a long time before sighing. ]
I guess that's the most Haru answer I should expect.
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[ he irritably crunches down on his snow cone. ]
Just invite a girl here yourself if you care that much.
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[ He sounds embarrassed, despite being the one to bring all this up. ]
I was just thinking... [ He leans back on his heels, looking up at the sky. ] If we really did die then... there's swimming obviously, but we died without ever falling in love or getting married or any of that stuff.
... It feels a little sad. [ But he just shrugs, glancing back at Haru. ] Do you ever think about that kind of thing?
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placidly, ]
...No. I never dreamed that far ahead to begin with.
[ he just wanted to be twenty and fade into obscurity. he never thought about getting married or anything. ]
Did you want that? To find love.
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But they're changing. They've already changed. ]
I didn't think about it in detail, but I always assumed it would happen, I guess.
[ No one expects to die at 17.
He hesitates for a moment before continuing, voice softer and gaze a little distant. ] I don't regret spending so much of my life on swimming but I feel... that I missed out on a lot.
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it sends a chill through him. he doesn't want rin to come to resent the moments they'd worked so ceaselessly for. or worse: to lose his hope for more. he grips his arm to bring him back from whatever haze he's in. ]
It doesn't have to be over, Rin.
[ they have a good team. ]
You have more to live for than seven weeks of this.
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Slowly, he's starting to realise that, as strange as it might be, and despite his commitment against the use of Thursday nights, and despite his talk about endless possibilities, on some level, he doesn't believe that he'll ever go back to his old life.
He still feels an urgency to try, for his team, because the thought of Haru or Ylfa not getting out is so deeply terrifying that he can barely even think about it.
But. ]
... I know. [ He gives Haru a confused smile, like he's not sure what prompted such a strong response. ]
I know! [ Freeing his arm, he pats Haru's shoulder a few times. ] They were just some thoughts that came up.
[ He crosses his arms then, curious. ]
But really Haru, you didn't give any thought to your life after high school?
[ Either personal or professional. ]
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so naturally, he doesn't smile back at this show of reassurance. and he's a little taken aback when rin turns the question on him, but then rolls his now-free shoulder in an apathetic shrug.
he sounds as passive as ever, but there's some dismissiveness there, too—he doesn't want to talk about this. ]
...Not really. It doesn't matter to me as long as I can swim.
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But then again, the last time he'd seen Haru really spoken to Haru at length, they'd been twelve years old. ]
... And? We're not kids anymore, Haru. You have to give it more thought than that.
[ He continues on despite Haru's hint about not wanting to have this conversation. ]
Do you want to swim competitively? As a coach? Get another job, and swim as a hobby?
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he huffs quietly instead. ]
I don't care about any of that. I'll just do what I want, when the time comes.
[ originally, he wasn't even planning on returning to competitive swimming. ]
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What do you mean you don't care? It's your life.
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It means I'm not concerned. So why should you be? I told you it doesn't matter.
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What? How can you say that? Why wouldn't I be concerned when I—
[ wait, hold on ]
When... you're not taking it seriously! Someone has to be concerned about it.
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No. Too many people concern themselves with it. [ why does everyone bother him about this these days? ] You worry about things like getting scouted and school.
[ just let him hide in a pond somewhere. ]
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Is that some kind of joke? Do you have any idea how much I do worry about it? But for you— for you it could be so easy—
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but he's also upset that rin won't let this drop, this thing that he's been afraid of even before he "died," and now he has to think about it on top of the thread of his entire existence being erased; he turns to face him fully, unusually tense. ]
Rin. I'll help all of us get home. But that's it. Don't talk to me about what happens after.
[ he's going to walk away because if he stays any longer he's absolutely sure he's going to lose it. ]