In others, it's a bit difficult to just keep going. Like everything's okay. To not see her and tell her I'm sorry in person, where it maybe means something.
It's like...I can't face what I've done because I haven't paid for it in any real way. There was no punishment. Even her closest friends...they were upset, but they didn't take anything out on me. Told me they understood, even if they don't forgive me. But I don't know if that's really the truth.
On the other hand, it's like, do I need to pay for it with my own blood? To show how sorry I am? Does wanting to make me selfish? Like taking the pain I caused her, and then making it about me? Making some big show of atonement so that people can feel sorry for me instead?
[She hesitates.]
At least...that time, because I was dead, I could go to Diluc myself. That was the man I killed. He'd been like a brother to me. And I was able to speak to him, to apologize in a way that felt real, and when he forgave me I could believe he meant it. Now?
I can text Vi, but I can't see her. I can't tell what's going on behind the letters. Nothing I say or do seems to hold any weight to it, and everyone keeps holding onto me. I wish they'd let go a little. Stop considering my feelings so much.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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She's actually drawn away some. Turned away a bit, one arm clutched around her middle and the other gripping her neck.]
I um...that was after I'd been possessed. And caught. [A beat.] But they didn't vote for me then either.
It was only going to get worse.
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... I'm sorry. You must've been scared that would happen again here.
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In others, it's a bit difficult to just keep going. Like everything's okay. To not see her and tell her I'm sorry in person, where it maybe means something.
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... Does it feel like, "it's not your fault, so you can just move on"?
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It's like...I can't face what I've done because I haven't paid for it in any real way. There was no punishment. Even her closest friends...they were upset, but they didn't take anything out on me. Told me they understood, even if they don't forgive me. But I don't know if that's really the truth.
On the other hand, it's like, do I need to pay for it with my own blood? To show how sorry I am? Does wanting to make me selfish? Like taking the pain I caused her, and then making it about me? Making some big show of atonement so that people can feel sorry for me instead?
[She hesitates.]
At least...that time, because I was dead, I could go to Diluc myself. That was the man I killed. He'd been like a brother to me. And I was able to speak to him, to apologize in a way that felt real, and when he forgave me I could believe he meant it. Now?
I can text Vi, but I can't see her. I can't tell what's going on behind the letters. Nothing I say or do seems to hold any weight to it, and everyone keeps holding onto me. I wish they'd let go a little. Stop considering my feelings so much.
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It is hard... to know how what to do with everything left over from killing someone when you're in a situation as weird as this.
Do you want people to be harsher with you?