[ He shifts so that he can look at Haru more clearly, wondering what it was like to have to watch. Well—he doesn't have to wonder, really. That had been daily life for him in the last game, watching through a screen while Haru and Ylfa came back from the Thursday trips, battled through trials and executions.
And all he could do was watch. His instinct is to rear up, shout about being babied but... he's so emptied of his emotions for once, that they can't cloud his thoughts as well. Small mercies. ]
I didn't want to do it either.
[ One of his arms goes around Haru's shoulders, pulling him close enough that he can rest against one of them, tears dotting his lashes even though he doesn't have any more energy to cry. ]
I feel like I'm going to die from the guilt of it.
[ it's hard to see rin so drained. someone with emotions that could fill a room, turned quiet. haru pauses, then leans his head, resting it gingerly against rin's hair, like he's being careful. ]
I know.
[ didn't he feel the same way? him and rin run at every different temperatures, but the things they value and care for follow the same course. ]
It's not your fault. ...But it's okay to feel like it is. It means you're still Rin. [ still human, with a very broad, soft heart. ]
[ Once given permission, he curls instantly closer, his other hand coming to grip Haru's shirt. He doesn't want to talk anymore; to try and explain everything that can't be understood in words.
That he feels helpless. That he's so frustrated because he wanted to be better this time and still failed. That he feels so guilty. So ashamed of all these weaknesses, but doesn't know how to be strong.
That he doesn't want to feel any of this, and wants to be cool, rational and calculated.
And that nothing he feels or wants will make anything better for Siffrin. Is he really only ever thinking of himself? Had all those efforts to change and become better amounted to nothing?
[ If nothing else, this weekend has been a wake-up call. They have to get home. Everyone does. But they have a month to go, and plenty left to survive, present wounds to patch. For now, some voices of memories join them.
"It was careless, asshole. It- you really broke my heart, you know?" "...Rin. I'm sorry. I want to go home."
Memories of other, difficult times. Maybe it's out of a desire to run, but he can only be grateful that Rin still wants to go home. He speaks over their old voices. ]
...I'm glad you're with us. [ At least this time, he doesn't have to blindly worry about how Rin is doing (it's bad, he's doing bad). He can reach out and loop his arms loosely around Rin's torso and hold him, and make sure he's not alone. He wants to support him through his feelings, rather than encourage him to change into something colder, more designed for this game. But then again—he'd love any version of Rin. For all the joy he's brought to Haru's life, for as many times as Rin's saved him, he's only ever wanted him to be happy in return.
"I don't want this to be goodbye. But if it is, or at least if it is for a little while, then it was a privilege to know you. I would like to think you get to live happily, from now on."
"...Promise not to think I'm awful? Just today." "I promise to never think you're awful."
He squeezes onto him a little tighter. Will he ever have the right words to make sure Rin doesn't spiral away? Maybe not, but Rin's resolved to stick with him. And if that doesn't work, then Haru will just track him down and try again, just like Rin will for him, in a memory he doesn't have yet. That's their life. Their back and forth balance. Making mistakes, growing together, and making new mistakes to grow from, together.
"I don't know if it'll get better. Not right away. Or if you'll like who I am now. But if we can both try, then—I will." "... I'll always like you, Haru." ]
I don't know if there's anything I can say it make it easier. It's meant to be hard. But I'll always like you, Rin. We're always going to be a team.
Edited (wow good thing I checked this 8 hours later) 2025-07-02 06:26 (UTC)
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Why?
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Some people here don't care as much about killing.
[ but really, he just doesn't think rin deserves it. ]
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You were the one that told Ylfa you wanted that time with Yuzuriha and Netzach.
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[ he can have a glimpse of memories: a last night with yuzuriha and netzach, building snowmen, playing in the arcade before murder. ]
It's the killing part. I didn't want you to have to do that.
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And all he could do was watch. His instinct is to rear up, shout about being babied but... he's so emptied of his emotions for once, that they can't cloud his thoughts as well. Small mercies. ]
I didn't want to do it either.
[ One of his arms goes around Haru's shoulders, pulling him close enough that he can rest against one of them, tears dotting his lashes even though he doesn't have any more energy to cry. ]
I feel like I'm going to die from the guilt of it.
no subject
I know.
[ didn't he feel the same way? him and rin run at every different temperatures, but the things they value and care for follow the same course. ]
It's not your fault. ...But it's okay to feel like it is. It means you're still Rin. [ still human, with a very broad, soft heart. ]
no subject
That he feels helpless. That he's so frustrated because he wanted to be better this time and still failed. That he feels so guilty. So ashamed of all these weaknesses, but doesn't know how to be strong.
That he doesn't want to feel any of this, and wants to be cool, rational and calculated.
And that nothing he feels or wants will make anything better for Siffrin. Is he really only ever thinking of himself? Had all those efforts to change and become better amounted to nothing?
The next breath is shaky. ]
I just want us to be home.
no subject
We'll get there.
[ If nothing else, this weekend has been a wake-up call. They have to get home. Everyone does. But they have a month to go, and plenty left to survive, present wounds to patch. For now, some voices of memories join them.
"...Rin. I'm sorry. I want to go home."
Memories of other, difficult times. Maybe it's out of a desire to run, but he can only be grateful that Rin still wants to go home. He speaks over their old voices. ]
...I'm glad you're with us. [ At least this time, he doesn't have to blindly worry about how Rin is doing (it's bad, he's doing bad). He can reach out and loop his arms loosely around Rin's torso and hold him, and make sure he's not alone. He wants to support him through his feelings, rather than encourage him to change into something colder, more designed for this game. But then again—he'd love any version of Rin. For all the joy he's brought to Haru's life, for as many times as Rin's saved him, he's only ever wanted him to be happy in return.
"...Promise not to think I'm awful? Just today."
"I promise to never think you're awful."
He squeezes onto him a little tighter. Will he ever have the right words to make sure Rin doesn't spiral away? Maybe not, but Rin's resolved to stick with him. And if that doesn't work, then Haru will just track him down and try again, just like Rin will for him, in a memory he doesn't have yet. That's their life. Their back and forth balance. Making mistakes, growing together, and making new mistakes to grow from, together.
"... I'll always like you, Haru." ]
I don't know if there's anything I can say it make it easier. It's meant to be hard. But I'll always like you, Rin. We're always going to be a team.