[ oh, no. he tries to reach for rin's hands again, moved by instinct, forced to clench his fists around nothing instead. ]
Rin... I'm okay. Really, this time.
[ more than one person has told him at this point about rin's guilt. and he can imagine the powerlessness he must feel.
this time though, they're all safe, and in a much better position to fight back this time. he's still scared, but ruby doesn't have infinite time and resources to blow them up. ]
The full rankings are out tomorrow. It won't be like this much longer.
[ he's taken aback for a moment, surprised, but something loosens up in his chest, a knot he didn't know was there. in his mixed-up, pressure-cooked mind, he'd thought... ]
...I thought you didn't care. If I stayed or not.
[ there's guilt in his tone, clearly too used to expecting the worst at this point. more gently, ]
If there aren't enough points, Iwatobi is safe as long as one of us gets back. That was my thought. ...Then Buzen-san told me to do the same thing. [ to leave matsui here, if they had to choose. his expression crinkles, words halting. ] That—it made me really angry. But I'd done the same thing to you.
...Sorry. I said something really careless. [ he's right—this isn't what a team is supposed to be like. he doesn't want to keep hurting rin. ]
How could I not care, did you seriously replace your brain with water?!
[ He's so angry. He can barely keep himself from failing to grab Haru's shirt and shake his stupid body in an attempt to rattle the cogs in his brain back to where they're supposed to be.
With a deep breath, ] It was careless, asshole. It- you really broke my heart, you know?
[ He's too angry to even be embarrassed, not even placated by the guilt in Haru's tone or his apology. ]
But I left the team, and you had all these experiences without me; things that I'll never understand. I couldn't show up after all that and tell you what to do.
[ rin's anger is familiar territory. but his heartache hurts in a very different way, one that's affected him since they were kids; he clenches his teeth together, guilt welling up hard behind his eyes, making them warm. ]
...Rin. I'm sorry. I want to go home.
[ he wants to go home so bad. it's all he's wanted from the day they got here. he's scared—about points, about guilt, about how impossible it feels to go back to who he was, about what it takes to be responsible and good—but he wants to be back by the sea. he wants to wake up and jog to school. to scratch down notes for a test that doesn't matter, to smell the salt-chlorine of their pool when it bakes under the sun. he wants to swim together and be ordinary together. it's his turn to sound urgent. ]
But don't say you left the team.
[ it's just a few tears at the brim of his eyes, but there's a hoarseness in his voice, demanding. ]
Even if we've had different lives... [ he stumbles a little on his words, trying to find the right ones. ] I still want your impact in mine.
So don't say it'd be better if I didn't miss you. Don't keep trying to leave.
[ It's rare to see Haru so effected—less rare now, in a way that he can't exactly be happy about—and the sight of tears brimming and his voice choking brings a tightness to his throat, tears starting to blur his vision. ]
It's not like I ever wanted to leave. [ Haru was the only thing holding him together some days. He had that effect on people; something innate about him that wasn't limited to the way he moved in the water. He was strong, caring and free in a way that Rin couldn't look away from.
He always wanted Haru to look at him too, but... ]
All I do is hurt you, Haru. [ His voice breaks a little at the admission. ] Because of me, you quit swim club. You blame yourself for things that are my fault. I was afraid I'd ruin Iwatobi too, remind you of everything that happened here.
[ He shoves a hand in his hair, gripping the strands as tightly as the fear squeezing his chest. ]
[ he'd heard about some of rin's doubts—the ones directed towards haru, anyway—but having it all confirmed makes his chest go tight. ]
That's not true. You've never—you couldn't ruin anything for me.
[ he wishes he could do something besides stand here and talk at rin, even if he wouldn't know what to do if he could touch him, either. it'd still be better than this. he's focused so hard on saving rin that he hasn't thought on what would make either of them happy.
he tries to at least reach for his hand, like he can ease his fingers out of his hair. ]
Whatever happens tomorrow—Rin. I can't. I won't go back without you. We're a team. I want to— [ he doesn't know how to express his feelings anymore so he has to turn to this and hope rin just gets it ] I want to swim with you again.
[ He doesn't really believe it—that he doesn't screw up constantly, and that he doesn't cause problems for Haru with every move he makes. But when Haru says "we're a team", he doesn't question it. When Haru says that he wants to swim together, he doesn't doubt it.
He can't feel Haru's hand, but he loosens his grip on his hair, rubbing at his eyes before before lifting his gaze again. It's not real proximity, but at least he can look Haru in the eye. ]
I want to swim with you too.
[ He looks a little... sad for a moment. ]
So be honest with me Haru. You tell me not to leave, and I want to be here for you so... be honest when you're hurting.
[ this place hasn't given rin much opportunity to believe better of himself, even if all of them say that he should. and it's just more reason to be angry at this game, for making rin so upset. ]
...I'll try.
[ he's getting better at talking about his feelings, or at least they've stayed pent up enough that they're just exploding outwards more often. his words still stumble out, unwieldy, but true to what he says, he tries. ]
It's been... hard. [ it goes without saying that this has been the hardest few months of his life. ] And I don't know if it'll get better. Not right away. Or if you'll like who I am now. But if we can both try, then—I will. [ ... ] You have to be honest with me too.
[ He doesn't doubt that it's hard, and part of it wants to just forget about it all and never think about it again, but at the same time, he doesn't want Haru to have to carry it all alone. To start running toward conclusions that aren't true, like thinking that Rin might think less of him because of all that he's had to do.
He just shakes his head. ]
... I'll always like you, Haru. [ Now, he glances away. ] You're the reason I transferred to Iwatobi. You're the reason I started swimming again at Samezuka. You're the most incredible person I know.
[ He closes his eyes, trying to hide his embarrassment. ]
I know going back home isn't going to fix everything, but... we'll help each other. We're a team, after all.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ ... ]
I figured you were worried about him.
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Well, yeah. [ he's been worried about rin too, of course. ] After we lost contact with you guys—
[ it's been rough. ]
...I was worried we wouldn't be able to reach you again.
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And then you all... And we couldn't reach you anymore.
[ he closes his eyes, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. ]
I'm so tired of being in limbo like this.
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Rin... I'm okay. Really, this time.
[ more than one person has told him at this point about rin's guilt. and he can imagine the powerlessness he must feel.
this time though, they're all safe, and in a much better position to fight back this time. he's still scared, but ruby doesn't have infinite time and resources to blow them up. ]
The full rankings are out tomorrow. It won't be like this much longer.
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[ His hands drop to his sides, expression twisted into a glare because it's easier for him to latch onto anger than confront his despair. ]
Even we stop Ruby and everyone goes home, how is it okay if you stay here? You've done everything you can to help everyone here and...
... We understand eachother even less than when we started.
[ that's not how a team is supposed to work ]
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...I thought you didn't care. If I stayed or not.
[ there's guilt in his tone, clearly too used to expecting the worst at this point. more gently, ]
If there aren't enough points, Iwatobi is safe as long as one of us gets back. That was my thought. ...Then Buzen-san told me to do the same thing. [ to leave matsui here, if they had to choose. his expression crinkles, words halting. ] That—it made me really angry. But I'd done the same thing to you.
...Sorry. I said something really careless. [ he's right—this isn't what a team is supposed to be like. he doesn't want to keep hurting rin. ]
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[ He's so angry. He can barely keep himself from failing to grab Haru's shirt and shake his stupid body in an attempt to rattle the cogs in his brain back to where they're supposed to be.
With a deep breath, ] It was careless, asshole. It- you really broke my heart, you know?
[ He's too angry to even be embarrassed, not even placated by the guilt in Haru's tone or his apology. ]
But I left the team, and you had all these experiences without me; things that I'll never understand. I couldn't show up after all that and tell you what to do.
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...Rin. I'm sorry. I want to go home.
[ he wants to go home so bad. it's all he's wanted from the day they got here. he's scared—about points, about guilt, about how impossible it feels to go back to who he was, about what it takes to be responsible and good—but he wants to be back by the sea. he wants to wake up and jog to school. to scratch down notes for a test that doesn't matter, to smell the salt-chlorine of their pool when it bakes under the sun. he wants to swim together and be ordinary together. it's his turn to sound urgent. ]
But don't say you left the team.
[ it's just a few tears at the brim of his eyes, but there's a hoarseness in his voice, demanding. ]
Even if we've had different lives... [ he stumbles a little on his words, trying to find the right ones. ] I still want your impact in mine.
So don't say it'd be better if I didn't miss you. Don't keep trying to leave.
no subject
[ It's rare to see Haru so effected—less rare now, in a way that he can't exactly be happy about—and the sight of tears brimming and his voice choking brings a tightness to his throat, tears starting to blur his vision. ]
It's not like I ever wanted to leave. [ Haru was the only thing holding him together some days. He had that effect on people; something innate about him that wasn't limited to the way he moved in the water. He was strong, caring and free in a way that Rin couldn't look away from.
He always wanted Haru to look at him too, but... ]
All I do is hurt you, Haru. [ His voice breaks a little at the admission. ] Because of me, you quit swim club. You blame yourself for things that are my fault. I was afraid I'd ruin Iwatobi too, remind you of everything that happened here.
[ He shoves a hand in his hair, gripping the strands as tightly as the fear squeezing his chest. ]
But I don't want to go back without you.
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That's not true. You've never—you couldn't ruin anything for me.
[ he wishes he could do something besides stand here and talk at rin, even if he wouldn't know what to do if he could touch him, either. it'd still be better than this. he's focused so hard on saving rin that he hasn't thought on what would make either of them happy.
he tries to at least reach for his hand, like he can ease his fingers out of his hair. ]
Whatever happens tomorrow—Rin. I can't. I won't go back without you. We're a team. I want to— [ he doesn't know how to express his feelings anymore so he has to turn to this and hope rin just gets it ] I want to swim with you again.
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He can't feel Haru's hand, but he loosens his grip on his hair, rubbing at his eyes before before lifting his gaze again. It's not real proximity, but at least he can look Haru in the eye. ]
I want to swim with you too.
[ He looks a little... sad for a moment. ]
So be honest with me Haru. You tell me not to leave, and I want to be here for you so... be honest when you're hurting.
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...I'll try.
[ he's getting better at talking about his feelings, or at least they've stayed pent up enough that they're just exploding outwards more often. his words still stumble out, unwieldy, but true to what he says, he tries. ]
It's been... hard. [ it goes without saying that this has been the hardest few months of his life. ] And I don't know if it'll get better. Not right away. Or if you'll like who I am now. But if we can both try, then—I will. [ ... ] You have to be honest with me too.
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He just shakes his head. ]
... I'll always like you, Haru. [ Now, he glances away. ] You're the reason I transferred to Iwatobi. You're the reason I started swimming again at Samezuka. You're the most incredible person I know.
[ He closes his eyes, trying to hide his embarrassment. ]
I know going back home isn't going to fix everything, but... we'll help each other. We're a team, after all.